The past week has been a hard one. My health has not been the best due to the effects of the reaction I had to the upper GI and my illness. I haven't slept well all month either. The lack of sleep and health have put me in a very depressed state of mind. There are times when I feel like I'm going on adrenaline just to drag myself upright and put one foot in front of the other. I'm missing that constant smile of mine.
Tomorrow is the birthday of my aunt, Gladys, and my best friend, Charlotte. Both of them died of cancer and both had profound influences on my life. My aunt died over 10 years ago and Charlotte died two years ago. I still miss them to this day.
Combining all of the above, you find me in a reflective mood this past week. I've really taken a hard look at my life and where I want to go with it. I couldn't do a whole lot else since I wasn't feeling well. I spent a lot of time thinking on my couch, which is where I'm heading again as soon as I post this.
As much as I loved my former boyfriend, I've come to realize in the past few weeks that I have to let go of the dream. It is possible that it was all a mirage anyway. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone ... like I am now. It was my friends who called to check on me when I was sick this past week. I haven't heard from him in over a month again and I can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring any longer. He has never been there for me when I needed him most, and he never will be. It's time for me to wake up to the truth.
There is no anger at him in this decision, only pain and tears.
My friend "J" told me earlier this week that I was like a figurine ... sitting on a shelf ... waiting to be noticed. I've mulled that one over all week. I started to wonder if it would be another 8 months before I heard from my former boyfriend again and if I was going to sit on that shelf waiting ... once again ... staring at the picture beside my bedside and my monitor and eating my heart out.
Yesterday, a dear friend "P" sent me a song, "When You Wish Upon a Star", from the Disney movie "Pinocchio". Right now that song and movie seem very appropriate. I no longer want to be that figurine (puppet). I want to be a real woman who has someone who loves and cares about her and how she is doing. I want to have a man in my life that I can love and pamper and give the gift of all the love I have in my heart. I want to have someone who makes me smile and laugh again ... instead of crying. Is it possible that I've found him?
I've been wishing upon a star for years, perhaps it is time for me to make a new wish, so new dreams will come true. My old dream seems to have died due to neglect. I am also beginning to wonder how much my ill health has to do with this pain that I'm in. While I was dusting his pictures, I have become "dusty" on that shelf from being left alone so long. Like the poem I posted on June 23, loneliness gnaws at my soul and a void has opened up inside me. I've put the pictures away, now it's time to move on.
There has to be someone out there who will love and care about me whom I can love and care about also. Right now that dream I had and posted about is much on my mind. I'm in so much pain right now that I can't bear the thought that it will never go away. I just hoping and praying that "the dream" doesn't come true. I'm hoping it was just a nightmare brought about by my tortured mind in its loneliness. I'm hoping my friend is right and the dream portrays the sunshine of happiness that is yet to come.
Two of my friends, one my doctor and the other my former co-worker, urged me to sign up on an online dating site. I have followed their advice. It tears my heart out to do so, but I'm clear in my profile that I'm looking for a friend. I'll give it a couple of months and see how it goes. I promised them I would. I've already met two very nice men "J" and "P" ... I think will be great friends.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Did you ever have a song that seems to carry significance at many different times in your life?
I remember when I first heard Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" back in 1970. My childhood sweetheart (he gave me my first kiss when I was about 6 years old), had just broken up with me. He and I lived about 3 hours apart and neither of us could drive at the time. It was my first experience with rejection and a broken heart. I remember listening to the song over and over.
Now, once again, this song soothes something in my soul. I wonder why that is. Is it because of that distant memory of how it soothed me back in my teens? Perhaps it is the words:
When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I’m on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
I remember when I first heard Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" back in 1970. My childhood sweetheart (he gave me my first kiss when I was about 6 years old), had just broken up with me. He and I lived about 3 hours apart and neither of us could drive at the time. It was my first experience with rejection and a broken heart. I remember listening to the song over and over.
Now, once again, this song soothes something in my soul. I wonder why that is. Is it because of that distant memory of how it soothed me back in my teens? Perhaps it is the words:
When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I’m on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Guidepaths to Peace
Someone shared this with me this week. It really struck a chord in me. It is how I try to live my life, yet these days I wonder if I will ever again know true peace ... of mind, body and soul.
Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to work and to play and to look up at the stars;
to be satisfied with your possessions
but not content with yourself until you have made the best of them;
to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness,
and to fear nothing except cowardice;
to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts;
to covet nothing that is your neighbor’s
except his kindness of heart and gentleness of manners;
to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends, and every day of Christ;
and to spend as much time as you can with body and spirit in God’s out of doors
-- these are little guidepaths to peace.
~ Henry van Dyke
I'm glad of my life and grateful for each day that I have survived the cancer that I had years ago.
I'm happy with what I have materialistically. Sure, I'd like to have a flat panel monitor and a few other things, lol, but I will get them when the time is right because I don't really NEED them.
I fear nothing ... well almost nothing. I don't like heights, lol, but that has never stopped me from doing what I want to do. I've gone to the top of a tower and climbed ladders. I won't let my fears control me.
I've always had enough courage to do what needed to be done, when it needed to be done. There is enough adventure in my heart that I'm willing to take great risks ... risks that have brought me to where I am today (something I'll never regret).
I don't really have any enemies, at least none that I know about. I hate no one ... hate takes too much energy that can be spent on something more enjoyable. I'm sure there are people who don't like me, but they don't really bother me. There are also a few online trolls that don't like me for one reason or another, but I ignore them ... they really have no bearing in my life whatsoever. I am just me and not everyone can like everyone.
I do think of our Lord every day and pray frequently. I also try to spend a bit of each day outside. I feed my critters and water my plants and just enjoy a moment basking in the sun.
Still, the peace my soul longs for seems just out of my reach ... and I know what it is missing.
Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to work and to play and to look up at the stars;
to be satisfied with your possessions
but not content with yourself until you have made the best of them;
to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness,
and to fear nothing except cowardice;
to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts;
to covet nothing that is your neighbor’s
except his kindness of heart and gentleness of manners;
to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends, and every day of Christ;
and to spend as much time as you can with body and spirit in God’s out of doors
-- these are little guidepaths to peace.
~ Henry van Dyke
I'm glad of my life and grateful for each day that I have survived the cancer that I had years ago.
I'm happy with what I have materialistically. Sure, I'd like to have a flat panel monitor and a few other things, lol, but I will get them when the time is right because I don't really NEED them.
I fear nothing ... well almost nothing. I don't like heights, lol, but that has never stopped me from doing what I want to do. I've gone to the top of a tower and climbed ladders. I won't let my fears control me.
I've always had enough courage to do what needed to be done, when it needed to be done. There is enough adventure in my heart that I'm willing to take great risks ... risks that have brought me to where I am today (something I'll never regret).
I don't really have any enemies, at least none that I know about. I hate no one ... hate takes too much energy that can be spent on something more enjoyable. I'm sure there are people who don't like me, but they don't really bother me. There are also a few online trolls that don't like me for one reason or another, but I ignore them ... they really have no bearing in my life whatsoever. I am just me and not everyone can like everyone.
I do think of our Lord every day and pray frequently. I also try to spend a bit of each day outside. I feed my critters and water my plants and just enjoy a moment basking in the sun.
Still, the peace my soul longs for seems just out of my reach ... and I know what it is missing.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Ever had an Upper GI?
I would imagine that most people would find the experience no big deal. At most, some people might think it was mildly uncomfortable. My experience was somewhat different.
I arrive on time for my appointment and didn't have to wait too long for them to take me back and have me put on a hospital gown. Then I was made to wait in an area with several other people ... men and women ... which was a bit uncomfortable, given what I was wearing ... or not wearing. I was then taken in for an initial x-ray.
After that the real wait began. I must have been sitting there for a half hour to 45 minutes before I was taken in the room where they do the upper GI ... then another long wait for the doctor to come in.
They make you drink 2 cups of a chalky substance called barium sulfate while they watch it travel down your body. The stuff is nasty tasting. I had a hard time getting it down without it wanting to come back up, but then I can't drink Pepto Bismol without it coming back up, so I didn't think much of it.
The good news was that the stuff traveled through my system in record time. I was able to get out of there quickly after I finished drinking the stuff. In other words, it went straight through me. Now I'm starting to wonder if that is good news or cause for concern.
The bad news is that I am one of the very small percent of people in this world who is allergic to barium sulfate. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since I'm allergic to metal. I can't get a shot without running a fever or wear jewelry without breaking out in a rash.
The nurse told me that I might suffer constipation from the barium sulfate. I should have been so lucky. I also should have known my body would react differently. By the time I got home, diarrhea had hit. This was quickly followed by my blood pressure going up. A splitting headache followed (probably due to the rise in my blood pressure).
My sense of taste was gone too. I started drinking a diet coke when I got home, but thought it was flat. I then tried a diet creme soda, only to find it tasted flat too.
Add to those sympthoms some almost crippling cramps that had me doubled over at times, and you get a very nasty afternoon. At one point I gave serious consideration to calling 911, but I took some asprin and slept for 3 hours instead.
Needless to say, the next time a doctor suggests an upper GI, I will politely decline their suggestion.
I arrive on time for my appointment and didn't have to wait too long for them to take me back and have me put on a hospital gown. Then I was made to wait in an area with several other people ... men and women ... which was a bit uncomfortable, given what I was wearing ... or not wearing. I was then taken in for an initial x-ray.
After that the real wait began. I must have been sitting there for a half hour to 45 minutes before I was taken in the room where they do the upper GI ... then another long wait for the doctor to come in.
They make you drink 2 cups of a chalky substance called barium sulfate while they watch it travel down your body. The stuff is nasty tasting. I had a hard time getting it down without it wanting to come back up, but then I can't drink Pepto Bismol without it coming back up, so I didn't think much of it.
The good news was that the stuff traveled through my system in record time. I was able to get out of there quickly after I finished drinking the stuff. In other words, it went straight through me. Now I'm starting to wonder if that is good news or cause for concern.
The bad news is that I am one of the very small percent of people in this world who is allergic to barium sulfate. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since I'm allergic to metal. I can't get a shot without running a fever or wear jewelry without breaking out in a rash.
The nurse told me that I might suffer constipation from the barium sulfate. I should have been so lucky. I also should have known my body would react differently. By the time I got home, diarrhea had hit. This was quickly followed by my blood pressure going up. A splitting headache followed (probably due to the rise in my blood pressure).
My sense of taste was gone too. I started drinking a diet coke when I got home, but thought it was flat. I then tried a diet creme soda, only to find it tasted flat too.
Add to those sympthoms some almost crippling cramps that had me doubled over at times, and you get a very nasty afternoon. At one point I gave serious consideration to calling 911, but I took some asprin and slept for 3 hours instead.
Needless to say, the next time a doctor suggests an upper GI, I will politely decline their suggestion.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Only a Woman's Heart
I love this song, "Only A Woman's Heart". Listening to it, I hear the pain that I have been feeling these past months as I try to move on with my life. I was listening to it yesterday.
I'm so happy for my friend.
My friend "J" called a while ago and was bubbling over about his first date. It sounds like it went wonderfully, with only one hitch or two. They spent the whole day together at the zoo and eating out. It sounds like a perfect first date to me and she sounds like she is really nice.
His date sounds like just what he needs, a woman who is free to care and touch. I hope that she is everything he needs. I hope that this one date grows into others and they can build a relationship with each date. "J" is a really nice guy that deserves to have someone to love and to love him. He's had enough pain in his life too, and he deserves some happiness.
As for me, I did go to the store. I did go outside and feed the critters and watered my plants, but pain is my constant companion. My tears are always close to the surface. I feel so lost and alone.
His date sounds like just what he needs, a woman who is free to care and touch. I hope that she is everything he needs. I hope that this one date grows into others and they can build a relationship with each date. "J" is a really nice guy that deserves to have someone to love and to love him. He's had enough pain in his life too, and he deserves some happiness.
As for me, I did go to the store. I did go outside and feed the critters and watered my plants, but pain is my constant companion. My tears are always close to the surface. I feel so lost and alone.
It's been a hard weekend.
I have shed a river of tears in the past few days. It's been 24 days now since I last talked to my former boyfriend. I've been listening to so much of the music that he and I shared and sobbing as each one pushed a dagger further and further into my heart. Even now, tears are right there on the surface of my eyes, waiting to spill over. Perhaps they are trying to wash the pain out of my heart so it can heal.
I struggled last night with what I'm going to do with all the pain inside. Yesterday I decided it was time to just let go.
During the 8 months we were apart, I listened to friends. They were worried about how lonely and sad that I was. One week before he called me again, I let one of my friends convince me to go out on a date. What started as a date turned into making a new friend. I told my date "J" that I was still in love with my former boyfriend and I made a friend that day. He understood how I felt. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, but is trying to move on with his life. He is even out on a date today and I'm cheering him on. He's a really nice guy and I hope he finds a new love to fill his life.
When my former boyfriend called, I told him the truth that I had been out on one date, but it ended with me finding a friend and not a potential "boyfriend".
I did come to one positive decision. My new friend and my old friends continue to worry about me, so I will try to ease their worry. It was their concern that has brought me to the realization that I can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring anymore. It is eating me up inside and making me ill. I have to let go and move on.
I've got to start getting out, even though I hurt so much that pain has become a constant companion. I know it is going to take every ounce of my will-power to do this. Sitting here is only rewarding me with ill health. My insides are eating themselves up and my emotional pain is becoming physical. I can't go on like this. Even now my lunch is eating a hole in my insides and I feel nauseated. So, I'm going to go to the store and maybe, when I get back, I will go outside and watch the critters. I know it's not much, but it is a first step.
I struggled last night with what I'm going to do with all the pain inside. Yesterday I decided it was time to just let go.
During the 8 months we were apart, I listened to friends. They were worried about how lonely and sad that I was. One week before he called me again, I let one of my friends convince me to go out on a date. What started as a date turned into making a new friend. I told my date "J" that I was still in love with my former boyfriend and I made a friend that day. He understood how I felt. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, but is trying to move on with his life. He is even out on a date today and I'm cheering him on. He's a really nice guy and I hope he finds a new love to fill his life.
When my former boyfriend called, I told him the truth that I had been out on one date, but it ended with me finding a friend and not a potential "boyfriend".
I did come to one positive decision. My new friend and my old friends continue to worry about me, so I will try to ease their worry. It was their concern that has brought me to the realization that I can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring anymore. It is eating me up inside and making me ill. I have to let go and move on.
I've got to start getting out, even though I hurt so much that pain has become a constant companion. I know it is going to take every ounce of my will-power to do this. Sitting here is only rewarding me with ill health. My insides are eating themselves up and my emotional pain is becoming physical. I can't go on like this. Even now my lunch is eating a hole in my insides and I feel nauseated. So, I'm going to go to the store and maybe, when I get back, I will go outside and watch the critters. I know it's not much, but it is a first step.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Letting Go.
After calling me a couple of times in the past 9 months, my former boyfriend has once again gone missing from my life. I've spent the past two days crying my eyes out and thinking back on the past 4 years.
How do you let go of a dream that has been in your heart for years? Was the dream even real? There are so many things that make me wonder if he was more a figment of my imagination than the man I thought he was ... did I fall in love with a mirage ... did the man that I loved even exist? Still, how do you give up on your best friend?
I've been asking these questions to myself the past two days ... and not finding the answer. I just know that I can't go on living like I have ... which isn't really living ... sitting and waiting for the phone to ring.
How do you let go of a dream that has been in your heart for years? Was the dream even real? There are so many things that make me wonder if he was more a figment of my imagination than the man I thought he was ... did I fall in love with a mirage ... did the man that I loved even exist? Still, how do you give up on your best friend?
I've been asking these questions to myself the past two days ... and not finding the answer. I just know that I can't go on living like I have ... which isn't really living ... sitting and waiting for the phone to ring.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
I close my eyes ...
The drought has ended. This morning I was going back through my "thought" file and came across a few notes that I had put down about the movie I watched last weekend, "Bridges over Madison County".
I hesitated to watch the movie because it dealt with a woman who was unfaithful to her husband. I'm a one-man-woman and don't think anyone should cheat on another person, hence my hesitancy to watch the movie.
I'm glad I overcame my reluctance and watched it. What I saw was a love story that touched my heart and brought back some memories, while giving me pause and making me think.
Of course, when I think, my former boyfriend is never far from my mind. The story reminded me of what I thought was our love story in so many ways.
I think this song from the movie, sums up how I felt about him:
It doesn't matter where you are,
When my former boyfriend and I first fell in love, I totally identified with Francesca when she said, "I was acting like another woman, but I was more myself than I was before."
At first, I struggled with a love like I had never felt before. Here I was, an independent woman who had found someone that I needed. I was different, yet I felt like I had become the woman that I was meant to be. It was scary and exhilarating.
When Francesca said, "You never think a love like this will happen to you", her words struck a chord deep inside of me. I never expected to find a love like that. My former boyfriend brought me more joy than I had ever felt before in my life. However, recently,he has brought me a despair that wrenches my heart every day. Just the memories of what I am missing easily bring tears to my eyes ... to use his words, "my eyes leak".
I still struggle with the woman that I have become. I'm different, not like I used to be before I fell in love with him. I'm not sure I know this woman that I am now, but I know she is me and I wouldn't trade who I am now for anything.
Yet another line from the movie, "We are the choices we have made", made me realize I would not have made a different choice for the same reason ... the joy he brought into my life and the chance to know that kind of love. Never before had I ever felt such a wonderful sensation as I felt when I came home in the circle of his arms. In his arms, I thought that I was in the one place in this world that I was meant to be. That sensation, and the joy and laughter he brought into my life, were the most precious gifts that I had ever received. I still would not trade those gifts for anything, despite the pain that followed.
These days, I totally understand how Kincaid felt when he said that he embraced "the mystery of being alone." I'm so cut off from everyone, yet I have friends ... I go out with them and talk to them on the phone on a regular basis ... but none of them are as close to me as he was.
He and I could share anything and everything and nothing. Before he and I met, I didn't know there was anyone out there with whom I could talk for hours at a time and never tire of talking about whatever crossed our minds. I'm more of a listener than a talker, yet he drew out of me words that usually just ramble around in my mind with no outlet. He and I fed each other a creativity of thought that is outside of anything I had ever experienced before. Just remembering where some of our conversations led still causes me to smile or laugh out loud.
Which makes Kincaid's words, "Don't throw us away," all the more poignant. Those same words have been spoken in my mind and heart many times over the past months. The words once again echo in my mind.
I wonder how he could throw something so precious as my love away. I also wonder what kept him from me ... fear ... a feeling that he doesn't deserve my love ... or is it something else? That's a question that only he can answer, while I spend my time learning the "mystery of being alone" without him and continue to "close my eyes and there you are ... always".
I hesitated to watch the movie because it dealt with a woman who was unfaithful to her husband. I'm a one-man-woman and don't think anyone should cheat on another person, hence my hesitancy to watch the movie.
I'm glad I overcame my reluctance and watched it. What I saw was a love story that touched my heart and brought back some memories, while giving me pause and making me think.
Of course, when I think, my former boyfriend is never far from my mind. The story reminded me of what I thought was our love story in so many ways.
I think this song from the movie, sums up how I felt about him:
It doesn't matter where you are,
because I can see how you fair you are.
I close my eyes and there you are.
Always ...
When my former boyfriend and I first fell in love, I totally identified with Francesca when she said, "I was acting like another woman, but I was more myself than I was before."
At first, I struggled with a love like I had never felt before. Here I was, an independent woman who had found someone that I needed. I was different, yet I felt like I had become the woman that I was meant to be. It was scary and exhilarating.
When Francesca said, "You never think a love like this will happen to you", her words struck a chord deep inside of me. I never expected to find a love like that. My former boyfriend brought me more joy than I had ever felt before in my life. However, recently,he has brought me a despair that wrenches my heart every day. Just the memories of what I am missing easily bring tears to my eyes ... to use his words, "my eyes leak".
I still struggle with the woman that I have become. I'm different, not like I used to be before I fell in love with him. I'm not sure I know this woman that I am now, but I know she is me and I wouldn't trade who I am now for anything.
Yet another line from the movie, "We are the choices we have made", made me realize I would not have made a different choice for the same reason ... the joy he brought into my life and the chance to know that kind of love. Never before had I ever felt such a wonderful sensation as I felt when I came home in the circle of his arms. In his arms, I thought that I was in the one place in this world that I was meant to be. That sensation, and the joy and laughter he brought into my life, were the most precious gifts that I had ever received. I still would not trade those gifts for anything, despite the pain that followed.
These days, I totally understand how Kincaid felt when he said that he embraced "the mystery of being alone." I'm so cut off from everyone, yet I have friends ... I go out with them and talk to them on the phone on a regular basis ... but none of them are as close to me as he was.
He and I could share anything and everything and nothing. Before he and I met, I didn't know there was anyone out there with whom I could talk for hours at a time and never tire of talking about whatever crossed our minds. I'm more of a listener than a talker, yet he drew out of me words that usually just ramble around in my mind with no outlet. He and I fed each other a creativity of thought that is outside of anything I had ever experienced before. Just remembering where some of our conversations led still causes me to smile or laugh out loud.
Which makes Kincaid's words, "Don't throw us away," all the more poignant. Those same words have been spoken in my mind and heart many times over the past months. The words once again echo in my mind.
I wonder how he could throw something so precious as my love away. I also wonder what kept him from me ... fear ... a feeling that he doesn't deserve my love ... or is it something else? That's a question that only he can answer, while I spend my time learning the "mystery of being alone" without him and continue to "close my eyes and there you are ... always".
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Got Blank?
Do you ever have those times when your mind go completely blank and you can't think of a single thing worth posting on your blog?
My mind seems to be suffering from this "blank" syndrome for the past week or so. I wonder how much of it is missing my former boyfriend ... again. Perhaps it is time for a new dream. Just when my hopes had risen to the point where I was happy again, he once again has gone missing. Between missing him and the ongoing problems with my health and the medication I'm taking, I've been depressed and my mind is in turmoil trying to decide where I go from here. It is also why I haven't thought of a single "fresh" thing to post.
So, I've done what I usually do when that happens, I went to my "Musings" folder. Instead of finding inspiration for something new, I found this one, "Ode to a Blank Page, dated 2002. I'm sure you see why it seems appropriate to me right now, lol.
Ah, a blank page, so fresh and new.
Just waiting for me to pour my heart into.
What shall I write about ... the moon and stars,
or shall I just write of little men from mars?
A blank page so full of promise, so clean.
What inner thoughts will I hope to glean?
Will it hold all of my hopes and dreams,
or shall I fill it full of light and sunbeams?
Shall I pour out my anguished soul,
and hope that it will make me whole?
Will writing hold my loneliness at bay,
or will I be lonely again on another day?
Shall I wax poetic of the beauty of nature
and is the sunrise or sunset the best feature?
Will I write about the laughing seagull’s cry
or of the whistling ducks flying by?
Ah, page, once so bright and pristine,
I have filled you up; you’re no longer clean.
And what did I find to write about,
not a thing, without a doubt.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Remembering 9/11/2001
I will never forget that day. As I was dressing for work, I had the television on and stopped to watch in horror as the planes flew into the twin towers and they collapsed before my eyes.
It still brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart as I remember. I hope we never forget that day and that the horror never fades from our hearts and minds.
The next day I wrote the following. Little did I know then the "witch hunt" that was to come or how so many would be so ill-treated by the American government that I was so proud of that day. I had no idea that history was about to repeat itself, nor that many of those responsible would still be free even six years in the future.
Yesterday our whole world changed. We learned that we were no longer safe here in America. We learned that evil knows no borders or boundaries. It is a lesson our parents and grandparents already knew, but we in the 50 and under age group had only heard about it in history books. Yet even our parents and grandparents could not have imagined the horror that touched our world yesterday. Pearl Harbor was an act of war and not an act of terrorism.
I have cried many tears and my heart is heavy in my chest. One incident stands out in my mind, horrifies me and fills me with shame. It is a though, a feeling that I felt briefly yesterday and the terror is that it is in the hearts and minds of many Americans right now.
On one news report we heard in the words of the witnesses the horror they felt at watching the planes plow into the World Trade Center. One of the voices I heard was that of someone with an Arabic accent. For one brief second, I felt anger that the person would dare to describe to me the horror of what they had seen. Then I was horrified with myself for even thinking that way.
I have never been prejudice. I have always treated everyone the same and have friends of many races. We are all people. We all have hopes, dreams, and suffer pain. The color of someone’s skin or the place of his or her birth has no bearing on what is inside them. I believe there are more good people than bad people of every race. The Muslims and/or Arabic people are no different.
Only a very small faction of the Muslim Religion is extremist. The Koran teaches that if you commit suicide you will go to Hell. No true Muslim would ever commit the autocracies that we witnessed yesterday. Yet already we are seeing Americans striking out at their fellow Americans and vandalism being perpetrated at Muslim Mosques. In Texas, a window was shot out at a Muslim Mosque. I fear this is only the beginning of the horrors we will hear in the coming weeks and months.
The American people are so angry that they are searching for someone to strike out at and they are striking out at themselves. By committing these acts of violence against Muslim Americans, we are acting no better than the terrorists who bombed our great land. In fear and hatred, a small group of Americans are hurting innocent people. The worst thing is that the American people of Arabic descent are experiencing the same horror and pain as we all are, but now they must fear for their lives. It brings to mind the U.S. concentration camps that the U.S. sent our Japanese and German Americans to during World War II, a horrible black mark on our history that most don't like to think about.
It’s time for us all to stop and take stock, to look within and without and realize that the enemy is not Muslims, but a band of terrorists. Our government is seeking them out and they will find them. Our government will decide how best to deal with them and we the American people will be right behind them, all of us of all races, colors, and religions.
It still brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart as I remember. I hope we never forget that day and that the horror never fades from our hearts and minds.
The next day I wrote the following. Little did I know then the "witch hunt" that was to come or how so many would be so ill-treated by the American government that I was so proud of that day. I had no idea that history was about to repeat itself, nor that many of those responsible would still be free even six years in the future.
Yesterday our whole world changed. We learned that we were no longer safe here in America. We learned that evil knows no borders or boundaries. It is a lesson our parents and grandparents already knew, but we in the 50 and under age group had only heard about it in history books. Yet even our parents and grandparents could not have imagined the horror that touched our world yesterday. Pearl Harbor was an act of war and not an act of terrorism.
I have cried many tears and my heart is heavy in my chest. One incident stands out in my mind, horrifies me and fills me with shame. It is a though, a feeling that I felt briefly yesterday and the terror is that it is in the hearts and minds of many Americans right now.
On one news report we heard in the words of the witnesses the horror they felt at watching the planes plow into the World Trade Center. One of the voices I heard was that of someone with an Arabic accent. For one brief second, I felt anger that the person would dare to describe to me the horror of what they had seen. Then I was horrified with myself for even thinking that way.
I have never been prejudice. I have always treated everyone the same and have friends of many races. We are all people. We all have hopes, dreams, and suffer pain. The color of someone’s skin or the place of his or her birth has no bearing on what is inside them. I believe there are more good people than bad people of every race. The Muslims and/or Arabic people are no different.
Only a very small faction of the Muslim Religion is extremist. The Koran teaches that if you commit suicide you will go to Hell. No true Muslim would ever commit the autocracies that we witnessed yesterday. Yet already we are seeing Americans striking out at their fellow Americans and vandalism being perpetrated at Muslim Mosques. In Texas, a window was shot out at a Muslim Mosque. I fear this is only the beginning of the horrors we will hear in the coming weeks and months.
The American people are so angry that they are searching for someone to strike out at and they are striking out at themselves. By committing these acts of violence against Muslim Americans, we are acting no better than the terrorists who bombed our great land. In fear and hatred, a small group of Americans are hurting innocent people. The worst thing is that the American people of Arabic descent are experiencing the same horror and pain as we all are, but now they must fear for their lives. It brings to mind the U.S. concentration camps that the U.S. sent our Japanese and German Americans to during World War II, a horrible black mark on our history that most don't like to think about.
It’s time for us all to stop and take stock, to look within and without and realize that the enemy is not Muslims, but a band of terrorists. Our government is seeking them out and they will find them. Our government will decide how best to deal with them and we the American people will be right behind them, all of us of all races, colors, and religions.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Saturday, September 8, 2007
I Quit
I've been a "slug" today. I did do a few "house chores", but I've mainly been watching TV and reading. I have spent the evening watching the movie "Bridges over Madison County." I'll probably write something about that later, when I've had a chance to get my mind in order and sort out the feelings that the movie set off inside me.
Anyway, I wrote this back in February of 2001. It was at a time when things just seemed like too much for me at the time. Somehow after watching the movie, this particular "musing" of mine seemed appropriate. If you have ever seen the movie, I'm sure you will understand why.
Sometimes you want to shout, "I quit". You know you won't, but it would feel good to shout it. "I quit"; even just typing the words gives a sense of relief. There are times in life when things just get to be too much. You need an outlet for the stress and for some reason those two words are just so seductive. It would be so easy to just throw up your hands and quit. Yet, we don’t.
Why, when we have been upset, let down, or stressed, do we keep coming back? Is there something lacking in us or something special in us, that keeps us keeping on when we have had more than enough? Do we have a penchant for pain or are we persistent? Is it a character flaw or strength?
If you are expecting an answer, you wont find it here, lol. I still haven’t figured it out. Today was just one of those days when I wanted to do it. I really wanted to say, “I quit." It was one of those days when I had reached the end of my rope and just couldn’t take any more. The straw had finally broken this camel’s back.
So I’m doing what I usually do, I’m hiding out. Like a turtle, I’m pulling my head back into my shell for a bit. I’ll stick my nose out in a bit when I have refreshed myself to see if the coast is clear. Then I’ll slowly and carefully come out of my shell and move forward once again. But for now, I’m safely inside my shell once again.
So, tomorrow night, I’ll take a deep breath and poke my nose out of my shell, carefully look around and crawl out. I might stretch a bit and do a recon mission to see if the coast is clear, before heading back into the fray. Hopefully I'll be refreshed and strengthened to the point where I wont be tempted to throw out those two little words, "I quit."
Anyway, I wrote this back in February of 2001. It was at a time when things just seemed like too much for me at the time. Somehow after watching the movie, this particular "musing" of mine seemed appropriate. If you have ever seen the movie, I'm sure you will understand why.
Sometimes you want to shout, "I quit". You know you won't, but it would feel good to shout it. "I quit"; even just typing the words gives a sense of relief. There are times in life when things just get to be too much. You need an outlet for the stress and for some reason those two words are just so seductive. It would be so easy to just throw up your hands and quit. Yet, we don’t.
Why, when we have been upset, let down, or stressed, do we keep coming back? Is there something lacking in us or something special in us, that keeps us keeping on when we have had more than enough? Do we have a penchant for pain or are we persistent? Is it a character flaw or strength?
If you are expecting an answer, you wont find it here, lol. I still haven’t figured it out. Today was just one of those days when I wanted to do it. I really wanted to say, “I quit." It was one of those days when I had reached the end of my rope and just couldn’t take any more. The straw had finally broken this camel’s back.
So I’m doing what I usually do, I’m hiding out. Like a turtle, I’m pulling my head back into my shell for a bit. I’ll stick my nose out in a bit when I have refreshed myself to see if the coast is clear. Then I’ll slowly and carefully come out of my shell and move forward once again. But for now, I’m safely inside my shell once again.
So, tomorrow night, I’ll take a deep breath and poke my nose out of my shell, carefully look around and crawl out. I might stretch a bit and do a recon mission to see if the coast is clear, before heading back into the fray. Hopefully I'll be refreshed and strengthened to the point where I wont be tempted to throw out those two little words, "I quit."
Friday, September 7, 2007
The Nurse Forgot to Warn Me
I could not get out of the clinic fast enough yesterday. They were almost 45 minutes late performing the colonoscopy, but I was still out of recovery and out the door of the clinic in record time. While the nurse had his back turned (he had left to get me some cookies and a diet coke), I got dressed. His look of astonishment when he came back in the recovery room was well worth it, lol. My friend, who knows me so well, just chuckled and told him I was a "tough old bird".
The nurse told me I could go if I ate the cookies and then was able to stand. He also told me that I wasn't to go to work or drive for 12 hours. When I asked about any dietary restrictions, there were none. However, he forgot to warn me about cooking.
My friend was kind enough to stop on the way home yesterday and pick me up a sandwich. She knew I was starving after going so long without food. A sub sounded like a good way to end my fast and I cut it in half. I figured that a little would be better than a lot, to give my insides a bit of time to adjust to being fed again. I finished off the second half of the sub for an early lunch today.
So, this afternoon, I went rummaging in my refrigerator and pantry for something to eat. I had nothing cooked (didn't want to tempt myself during the time when I was fasting) and I haven't been to the store this week. My choices were shells & cheese or spaghetti, since those seemed the two easiest to make. I chose the spaghetti (my first mistake).
I blew out the candle I had burning on the stove and put it on one of the burners (my second mistake and not one that I normally make in the first place).
I started the spaghetti sauce warming up and then put water in the pan for the spaghetti. I turned on the burner (my third mistake). It was the wrong burner.
Yep, you guessed it, I turned on the burner under the candle.
I was lucky. For once I didn't make the mistake of leaving the kitchen to go see what was on TV while I waited for the water to boil. Instead, when the paper on the candle caught fire, I was right there to stare at the fire in horror and then panic. Since I've never had a fire in my kitchen before, it took my brain a second to kick in and realize what I was seeing, and a few more seconds to remember what you are supposed to do to put it out.
My first thought was to smother the fire ... I got a big pot and put it on top ... it didn't fit over the candle. I stood there stupidly for a second and thought of the fire extinguisher outside and was just about to go get it when I remembered baking soda, which put the fire out immediately (it really wasn't that big of a fire). One thing I will say about the baking soda, it also came in handy when I was ready to clean up the stove and walls.
After all that, the spaghetti turned out to be my biggest mistake (like I said, the fire wasn't really that big). It definitely did not sit well on my delicate system. I should have fixed the shells & cheese, lol, at least then I would only have used one burner and my insides would be feeling a lot better right now.
The nurse told me I could go if I ate the cookies and then was able to stand. He also told me that I wasn't to go to work or drive for 12 hours. When I asked about any dietary restrictions, there were none. However, he forgot to warn me about cooking.
My friend was kind enough to stop on the way home yesterday and pick me up a sandwich. She knew I was starving after going so long without food. A sub sounded like a good way to end my fast and I cut it in half. I figured that a little would be better than a lot, to give my insides a bit of time to adjust to being fed again. I finished off the second half of the sub for an early lunch today.
So, this afternoon, I went rummaging in my refrigerator and pantry for something to eat. I had nothing cooked (didn't want to tempt myself during the time when I was fasting) and I haven't been to the store this week. My choices were shells & cheese or spaghetti, since those seemed the two easiest to make. I chose the spaghetti (my first mistake).
I blew out the candle I had burning on the stove and put it on one of the burners (my second mistake and not one that I normally make in the first place).
I started the spaghetti sauce warming up and then put water in the pan for the spaghetti. I turned on the burner (my third mistake). It was the wrong burner.
Yep, you guessed it, I turned on the burner under the candle.
I was lucky. For once I didn't make the mistake of leaving the kitchen to go see what was on TV while I waited for the water to boil. Instead, when the paper on the candle caught fire, I was right there to stare at the fire in horror and then panic. Since I've never had a fire in my kitchen before, it took my brain a second to kick in and realize what I was seeing, and a few more seconds to remember what you are supposed to do to put it out.
My first thought was to smother the fire ... I got a big pot and put it on top ... it didn't fit over the candle. I stood there stupidly for a second and thought of the fire extinguisher outside and was just about to go get it when I remembered baking soda, which put the fire out immediately (it really wasn't that big of a fire). One thing I will say about the baking soda, it also came in handy when I was ready to clean up the stove and walls.
After all that, the spaghetti turned out to be my biggest mistake (like I said, the fire wasn't really that big). It definitely did not sit well on my delicate system. I should have fixed the shells & cheese, lol, at least then I would only have used one burner and my insides would be feeling a lot better right now.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Ever feel like you are falling apart?
The "stuff" I mentioned in my last post was the fact that I had a colonoscopy today. Even if I hadn't been having trouble, it was time since I turned 50 and my family has a history of colon cancer.
Have you ever noticed that every other commercial on television has something to do with food? I sure did yesterday, lol. I was so glad to be able to eat again!
I went almost 48 hours without food and 16 hours without any liquids. Everyone told me that the prep was the worst ... they were right. The colonoscopy was a breeze compared to what you have to go through to have one, lol. They knock you out so you get a nice nap (you don't know what's going on), then they fed me cookies and diet coke afterwards.
I wish I could say that I wouldn't have to have another one for a long time, but it looks like I'm going to have to have a colonoscopy on a regular basis. My doctor told me today that I have Crohn's Disease (hence the new link on the site). I will see her in a couple of weeks, once the biopsy result is in (they also removed a polyp), to decide on a treatment (there is no cure).
I've done quite a bit of reading about the disease tonight and now think I've probably had it for a while. However, it has gotten worse in recent months for some reason. I have been loosing weight (that's a benefit, lol) and running a temperature for months. If I had let it go, things could have gotten much worse for me. It really isn't a disease you can ignore and it will get better.
Anyone out there have any experience with the disease? I'd love to hear your stories.
Have you ever noticed that every other commercial on television has something to do with food? I sure did yesterday, lol. I was so glad to be able to eat again!
I went almost 48 hours without food and 16 hours without any liquids. Everyone told me that the prep was the worst ... they were right. The colonoscopy was a breeze compared to what you have to go through to have one, lol. They knock you out so you get a nice nap (you don't know what's going on), then they fed me cookies and diet coke afterwards.
I wish I could say that I wouldn't have to have another one for a long time, but it looks like I'm going to have to have a colonoscopy on a regular basis. My doctor told me today that I have Crohn's Disease (hence the new link on the site). I will see her in a couple of weeks, once the biopsy result is in (they also removed a polyp), to decide on a treatment (there is no cure).
I've done quite a bit of reading about the disease tonight and now think I've probably had it for a while. However, it has gotten worse in recent months for some reason. I have been loosing weight (that's a benefit, lol) and running a temperature for months. If I had let it go, things could have gotten much worse for me. It really isn't a disease you can ignore and it will get better.
Anyone out there have any experience with the disease? I'd love to hear your stories.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
My Lifeline
Ok, so I'm digging up some of my old stuff tonight. I have other stuff on my mind right now. I'll explain more tomorrow, if I'm able, lol.
I wrote this one in about 2001. Of course, back then, former boyfriend was my best friend, but my feelings were evolving. He was always my unlikely angel ... able to chase the darkness away from my soul with a few words.
Song briefly touched my lips
as I slipped into bed last night.
I lay down holding you next to my heart
and drifted off to slumber holding you close.
Your words chased the darkness away
and brought light back into my soul.
Your strong hand reached out, my lifeline,
and determinedly pulled me out of the abyss.
For God hears silent prayers,
He hears the anguish in our soul.
He sent me you, my unlikely angel.
For the sea is wet and laughter follows tears
and a rainbow is just God’s upside down smile.
Thank you for being my lifeline, my friend.
I wrote this one in about 2001. Of course, back then, former boyfriend was my best friend, but my feelings were evolving. He was always my unlikely angel ... able to chase the darkness away from my soul with a few words.
Song briefly touched my lips
as I slipped into bed last night.
I lay down holding you next to my heart
and drifted off to slumber holding you close.
Your words chased the darkness away
and brought light back into my soul.
Your strong hand reached out, my lifeline,
and determinedly pulled me out of the abyss.
For God hears silent prayers,
He hears the anguish in our soul.
He sent me you, my unlikely angel.
For the sea is wet and laughter follows tears
and a rainbow is just God’s upside down smile.
Thank you for being my lifeline, my friend.
Monday, September 3, 2007
The Stillness ... by Nobody
I wrote this over 4 years ago. Re-reading it tonight, I find that it still has some merit in my life today. Have I come full circle, or have I never left "the stillness"?
Tonight I am still, sitting quietly, listening to the voice inside of me.
Trying to quiet this miasma of confusion and doubt that fills me.
I do not quite feel pain, but instead an ache deep down inside.
There is something at the heart of me needing to be fulfilled.
I know not whether in reaching out I will find a tower of strength,
or will my questing heart encounter nothing but an empty mirage?
Will hopes & dreams whisk through thin air to plummet me to despair
or will they grab something real, solid & strong to carry me through?
I sit still, listening for the inner voice,
waiting for answers that never come.
Trying to catch hold of what is inside,
yet I find only the dreaded silence.
The tolling of the clock foretells my time this night draws to a close
and still the inner voice is silent, mocking me with its absence.
Have I relied on feelings and instincts for so long that logic is gone?
In trusting something so illusive, have I lost the ability to reason?
Or do I know the answer in my heart and, in fear, refuse to face it.
Deep inside I know that the answer is there, nagging at my mind.
I vacillate between heart and head, the two battling for supremacy.
Only one can win, and only time will tell if I will win or I will lose.
Does lighthearted joy sit in wait for me
or will I find the darkness of despair?
And still the quiet battle rages on inside:
Heart vs. mind, happiness vs. desolation.
Tonight I am still, sitting quietly, listening to the voice inside of me.
Trying to quiet this miasma of confusion and doubt that fills me.
I do not quite feel pain, but instead an ache deep down inside.
There is something at the heart of me needing to be fulfilled.
I know not whether in reaching out I will find a tower of strength,
or will my questing heart encounter nothing but an empty mirage?
Will hopes & dreams whisk through thin air to plummet me to despair
or will they grab something real, solid & strong to carry me through?
I sit still, listening for the inner voice,
waiting for answers that never come.
Trying to catch hold of what is inside,
yet I find only the dreaded silence.
The tolling of the clock foretells my time this night draws to a close
and still the inner voice is silent, mocking me with its absence.
Have I relied on feelings and instincts for so long that logic is gone?
In trusting something so illusive, have I lost the ability to reason?
Or do I know the answer in my heart and, in fear, refuse to face it.
Deep inside I know that the answer is there, nagging at my mind.
I vacillate between heart and head, the two battling for supremacy.
Only one can win, and only time will tell if I will win or I will lose.
Does lighthearted joy sit in wait for me
or will I find the darkness of despair?
And still the quiet battle rages on inside:
Heart vs. mind, happiness vs. desolation.
"Yes, but ..."
Did you ever think of the one you love and think ... "yes, but". I've been thinking a lot about these two words a lot in the past few days. My thoughts are as divided as advice that I'm getting from multiple friends and some of my online reading. I write this blog to try to clarify some of my own thoughts and make sense of what I'm feeling. I'm trying to figure out what is right for ME, not what everyone else thinks is right for me.
Today, I'm wondering how much my conflicting thoughts have to do with my own doubts about myself and how much it has to do with missing my former boyfriend. We haven't spoken in days, after months with no contact.
It is funny, but all it takes is the sound of his voice and any doubts that have been in my mind fly out the window. Even though we hadn't spoken in months, when he called me the other day, it was like only a matter of hours had passed when we started talking again. Nothing was different, nothing had changed. My heart still leapt for joy at the sound of his voice.
Still, in the past few days, those "yes, buts" have caused me to go in search of the reason for the inner conflict that I’m feeling. I think that I've finally come up with an answer. I guess what it all boils down to is ... am I loved. I spent too much of my young life with that burning question "do they love me". That one question seems to have shaped who I am today. I never knew how my parents felt about me. They just never seemed to really care. I was lucky that I had an aunt and uncle whom I adored and who obviously loved me. They were my role models growing up.
Looking back, I can see that the reason my marriage failed was because I no longer felt loved. No matter what was wrong with the marriage, I kept putting my energy and time into it, because at first I felt loved. All it took for me to know the marriage was over was for my husband to repeatedly show me that he no longer cared ... including not caring if I lived or died. No more love ... no more marriage. I know that sounds a bit simplistic, but I think that was the basic reason for me to "throw in the towel".
Do you find that you can forgive just about anything, if you feel loved? Right now my thoughts are full of "yes, buts" because I doubt my former boyfriend loved me. I do want HIM to be happy, if not with me, with someone else who can love and appreciate him.
Have you ever loved someone so much that their happiness is more important to you than your own? This was actually a first for me. We started out as best friends and I don't ever see a time in my life when, above all, I won't think of him as a friend and his happiness won't matter to me.
So I sit here with my "yes, buts". Did he ever loved me? Which is why I am having these "yes, but" conversations in my mind.
Today, I'm wondering how much my conflicting thoughts have to do with my own doubts about myself and how much it has to do with missing my former boyfriend. We haven't spoken in days, after months with no contact.
It is funny, but all it takes is the sound of his voice and any doubts that have been in my mind fly out the window. Even though we hadn't spoken in months, when he called me the other day, it was like only a matter of hours had passed when we started talking again. Nothing was different, nothing had changed. My heart still leapt for joy at the sound of his voice.
Still, in the past few days, those "yes, buts" have caused me to go in search of the reason for the inner conflict that I’m feeling. I think that I've finally come up with an answer. I guess what it all boils down to is ... am I loved. I spent too much of my young life with that burning question "do they love me". That one question seems to have shaped who I am today. I never knew how my parents felt about me. They just never seemed to really care. I was lucky that I had an aunt and uncle whom I adored and who obviously loved me. They were my role models growing up.
Looking back, I can see that the reason my marriage failed was because I no longer felt loved. No matter what was wrong with the marriage, I kept putting my energy and time into it, because at first I felt loved. All it took for me to know the marriage was over was for my husband to repeatedly show me that he no longer cared ... including not caring if I lived or died. No more love ... no more marriage. I know that sounds a bit simplistic, but I think that was the basic reason for me to "throw in the towel".
Do you find that you can forgive just about anything, if you feel loved? Right now my thoughts are full of "yes, buts" because I doubt my former boyfriend loved me. I do want HIM to be happy, if not with me, with someone else who can love and appreciate him.
Have you ever loved someone so much that their happiness is more important to you than your own? This was actually a first for me. We started out as best friends and I don't ever see a time in my life when, above all, I won't think of him as a friend and his happiness won't matter to me.
So I sit here with my "yes, buts". Did he ever loved me? Which is why I am having these "yes, but" conversations in my mind.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
The Great Goose Roundup
My mind is blank tonight. I can't seem to think of a thing to say. Ever have days like that? Perhaps it is because I haven't talked to my beloved for a few days and I'm feeling a bit down.
Since I've recently decided to be more active on my blog, I went scrounging through my Musings Folder (does anyone else have one of those?) and came across the following story that I wrote back in 2000 (when I was married and living on the south Texas coast). It's not about my beloved, but given that I posted some of my home videos yesterday, it somehow seemed appropriate. I hope it makes you smile. It even brought a smile to my face, remembering that day, lol.
Since I've recently decided to be more active on my blog, I went scrounging through my Musings Folder (does anyone else have one of those?) and came across the following story that I wrote back in 2000 (when I was married and living on the south Texas coast). It's not about my beloved, but given that I posted some of my home videos yesterday, it somehow seemed appropriate. I hope it makes you smile. It even brought a smile to my face, remembering that day, lol.
A couple that lives in the same town with my husband and I, also owns a ranch in a nearby town. We had a number of geese around that someone had raised and turned loose. They had become somewhat of a nuisance to all the neighbors, so I had given the couple two geese before. Unfortunately, they had lost one due to the fact that geese think they are bigger than everything else. The gander had attacked a calf and the momma cow took exception to that fact. The cow kicked the gander, so now they were down to one goose and they called me.
Of course they could have more geese. Now, since geese think they are bigger than anyone else, they are not my favorite birds. They attack my baby ducklings and everything else they can get away with. So we planned a day they would come over and get more geese.
Enter the rain. It rained for three days. It was not a hard rain mind you, but a soft, gentle, soaking rain. But that was ok, because the sun came out for a couple of days and dried everywhere it could reach (remember these words, lol).
Then it was the morning of the great goose roundup. At 7:30 a.m. the couple appeared at my home, cage in the back of their truck for the geese, and we plotted strategy. My husband and I would feed the ducks and geese in front of my car. That would put them between two buildings, thereby blocking them in. The couple would then proceed to come up the sides of my car and my husband and I, being in front of the geese and ducks, would have them trapped.
Now there are two groups of geese, a group of four and a couple. Well ... just because geese think they are bigger than everything else doesn't mean they are totally stupid. There were two strangers there and they were not about to come in front of my car. Scratching my head I came up with a brilliant idea.
I live on the coast ... right on the water ... and the houses are on poles. So I decided to trap them underneath the house. My car was blocking them on one side and a screened-in porch was blocking them from the front. I proceeded around my car and came in behind them, my husband came to the front of the car and blocked them there, the husband of my friend came up next to me and blocked them there and my friend came in from under the stairs. We had done it! We had four of the geese trapped under the house!
Dodging left and right, while the geese honked and milled around trying to find an avenue of escape, we kept them under the house and closed in. Slowly, but surely, we worked our way in on them. Slowly, but surely, we managed to narrow it down to about a 7 by 7 foot area. One of the geese decided it had had enough and tried to make a break for it. It darted right toward my friend's husband and, by darn, he caught it!
Now, remember earlier I mentioned that the sun had dried all the areas it could reach, well it hadn't dried the ground under the house. My friend's husband went flying one way and ... when my husband attempted to grab him to break his fall ... the goose went flying in the other. My friend, in the meantime, is standing there with her mouth hanging open and her arms outstretched like she wants a hug. I, on the other hand, take off after the goose that, of course, can fly much better than I can. Needless to say we did not catch any geese that day.
Oh well, maybe next time.
We plan to try again, but this time I'm bringing a video camera.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Connected by Nobody
I wrote this one a while back. Now I wonder if it is true or was it a dream?
Do you ever stop and think of me for no reason at all?
Do you feel a ghostly hand caress you at any time of day?
Could it be that I touch you with my mind when I think of you,
like memories of you touch my heart in every way?
Does your chest ever hurt for no discernable reason?
Do you ever suddenly feel a pain deep in your heart?
Could it be that my deepest longings can touch you,
even though you and I are miles and miles apart?
Does a burst of laughter cause you to turn your head,
or perhaps a whimper of sound that seems out of place?
Could it be you hear my laughter and joy at memories,
or my moans of pain when I long to see your face.
No matter what I do each day, I always feel you close.
Your pain is my pain, in that connection that we share.
I suddenly stop and think of you, many times of day
and, because of that, no other man can compare.
Do you ever stop and think of me for no reason at all?
Do you feel a ghostly hand caress you at any time of day?
Could it be that I touch you with my mind when I think of you,
like memories of you touch my heart in every way?
Does your chest ever hurt for no discernable reason?
Do you ever suddenly feel a pain deep in your heart?
Could it be that my deepest longings can touch you,
even though you and I are miles and miles apart?
Does a burst of laughter cause you to turn your head,
or perhaps a whimper of sound that seems out of place?
Could it be you hear my laughter and joy at memories,
or my moans of pain when I long to see your face.
No matter what I do each day, I always feel you close.
Your pain is my pain, in that connection that we share.
I suddenly stop and think of you, many times of day
and, because of that, no other man can compare.
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