I Quit

I've been a "slug" today. I did do a few "house chores", but I've mainly been watching TV and reading. I have spent the evening watching the movie "Bridges over Madison County." I'll probably write something about that later, when I've had a chance to get my mind in order and sort out the feelings that the movie set off inside me.

Anyway, I wrote this back in February of 2001. It was at a time when things just seemed like too much for me at the time. Somehow after watching the movie, this particular "musing" of mine seemed appropriate. If you have ever seen the movie, I'm sure you will understand why.

Sometimes you want to shout, "I quit". You know you won't, but it would feel good to shout it. "I quit"; even just typing the words gives a sense of relief. There are times in life when things just get to be too much. You need an outlet for the stress and for some reason those two words are just so seductive. It would be so easy to just throw up your hands and quit. Yet, we don’t.

Why, when we have been upset, let down, or stressed, do we keep coming back? Is there something lacking in us or something special in us, that keeps us keeping on when we have had more than enough? Do we have a penchant for pain or are we persistent? Is it a character flaw or strength?

If you are expecting an answer, you wont find it here, lol. I still haven’t figured it out. Today was just one of those days when I wanted to do it. I really wanted to say, “I quit." It was one of those days when I had reached the end of my rope and just couldn’t take any more. The straw had finally broken this camel’s back.

So I’m doing what I usually do, I’m hiding out. Like a turtle, I’m pulling my head back into my shell for a bit. I’ll stick my nose out in a bit when I have refreshed myself to see if the coast is clear. Then I’ll slowly and carefully come out of my shell and move forward once again. But for now, I’m safely inside my shell once again.

So, tomorrow night, I’ll take a deep breath and poke my nose out of my shell, carefully look around and crawl out. I might stretch a bit and do a recon mission to see if the coast is clear, before heading back into the fray. Hopefully I'll be refreshed and strengthened to the point where I wont be tempted to throw out those two little words, "I quit."

The Nurse Forgot to Warn Me

I could not get out of the clinic fast enough yesterday. They were almost 45 minutes late performing the colonoscopy, but I was still out of recovery and out the door of the clinic in record time. While the nurse had his back turned (he had left to get me some cookies and a diet coke), I got dressed. His look of astonishment when he came back in the recovery room was well worth it, lol. My friend, who knows me so well, just chuckled and told him I was a "tough old bird".

The nurse told me I could go if I ate the cookies and then was able to stand. He also told me that I wasn't to go to work or drive for 12 hours. When I asked about any dietary restrictions, there were none. However, he forgot to warn me about cooking.

My friend was kind enough to stop on the way home yesterday and pick me up a sandwich. She knew I was starving after going so long without food. A sub sounded like a good way to end my fast and I cut it in half. I figured that a little would be better than a lot, to give my insides a bit of time to adjust to being fed again. I finished off the second half of the sub for an early lunch today.

So, this afternoon, I went rummaging in my refrigerator and pantry for something to eat. I had nothing cooked (didn't want to tempt myself during the time when I was fasting) and I haven't been to the store this week. My choices were shells & cheese or spaghetti, since those seemed the two easiest to make. I chose the spaghetti (my first mistake).

I blew out the candle I had burning on the stove and put it on one of the burners (my second mistake and not one that I normally make in the first place).

I started the spaghetti sauce warming up and then put water in the pan for the spaghetti. I turned on the burner (my third mistake). It was the wrong burner.

Yep, you guessed it, I turned on the burner under the candle.

I was lucky. For once I didn't make the mistake of leaving the kitchen to go see what was on TV while I waited for the water to boil. Instead, when the paper on the candle caught fire, I was right there to stare at the fire in horror and then panic. Since I've never had a fire in my kitchen before, it took my brain a second to kick in and realize what I was seeing, and a few more seconds to remember what you are supposed to do to put it out.

My first thought was to smother the fire ... I got a big pot and put it on top ... it didn't fit over the candle. I stood there stupidly for a second and thought of the fire extinguisher outside and was just about to go get it when I remembered baking soda, which put the fire out immediately (it really wasn't that big of a fire). One thing I will say about the baking soda, it also came in handy when I was ready to clean up the stove and walls.

After all that, the spaghetti turned out to be my biggest mistake (like I said, the fire wasn't really that big). It definitely did not sit well on my delicate system. I should have fixed the shells & cheese, lol, at least then I would only have used one burner and my insides would be feeling a lot better right now.

Ever feel like you are falling apart?

The "stuff" I mentioned in my last post was the fact that I had a colonoscopy today. Even if I hadn't been having trouble, it was time since I turned 50 and my family has a history of colon cancer.

Have you ever noticed that every other commercial on television has something to do with food? I sure did yesterday, lol. I was so glad to be able to eat again!

I went almost 48 hours without food and 16 hours without any liquids. Everyone told me that the prep was the worst ... they were right. The colonoscopy was a breeze compared to what you have to go through to have one, lol. They knock you out so you get a nice nap (you don't know what's going on), then they fed me cookies and diet coke afterwards.

I wish I could say that I wouldn't have to have another one for a long time, but it looks like I'm going to have to have a colonoscopy on a regular basis. My doctor told me today that I have Crohn's Disease (hence the new link on the site). I will see her in a couple of weeks, once the biopsy result is in (they also removed a polyp), to decide on a treatment (there is no cure).

I've done quite a bit of reading about the disease tonight and now think I've probably had it for a while. However, it has gotten worse in recent months for some reason. I have been loosing weight (that's a benefit, lol) and running a temperature for months. If I had let it go, things could have gotten much worse for me. It really isn't a disease you can ignore and it will get better.

Anyone out there have any experience with the disease? I'd love to hear your stories.

My Lifeline

Ok, so I'm digging up some of my old stuff tonight. I have other stuff on my mind right now. I'll explain more tomorrow, if I'm able, lol.

I wrote this one in about 2001. Of course, back then, former boyfriend was my best friend, but my feelings were evolving. He was always my unlikely angel ... able to chase the darkness away from my soul with a few words.

Song briefly touched my lips
as I slipped into bed last night.
I lay down holding you next to my heart
and drifted off to slumber holding you close.
Your words chased the darkness away
and brought light back into my soul.
Your strong hand reached out, my lifeline,
and determinedly pulled me out of the abyss.
For God hears silent prayers,
He hears the anguish in our soul.
He sent me you, my unlikely angel.
For the sea is wet and laughter follows tears
and a rainbow is just God’s upside down smile.
Thank you for being my lifeline, my friend.

The Stillness ... by Nobody

I wrote this over 4 years ago. Re-reading it tonight, I find that it still has some merit in my life today. Have I come full circle, or have I never left "the stillness"?

Tonight I am still, sitting quietly, listening to the voice inside of me.
Trying to quiet this miasma of confusion and doubt that fills me.
I do not quite feel pain, but instead an ache deep down inside.
There is something at the heart of me needing to be fulfilled.
I know not whether in reaching out I will find a tower of strength,
or will my questing heart encounter nothing but an empty mirage?
Will hopes & dreams whisk through thin air to plummet me to despair
or will they grab something real, solid & strong to carry me through?

I sit still, listening for the inner voice,
waiting for answers that never come.
Trying to catch hold of what is inside,
yet I find only the dreaded silence.

The tolling of the clock foretells my time this night draws to a close
and still the inner voice is silent, mocking me with its absence.
Have I relied on feelings and instincts for so long that logic is gone?
In trusting something so illusive, have I lost the ability to reason?
Or do I know the answer in my heart and, in fear, refuse to face it.
Deep inside I know that the answer is there, nagging at my mind.
I vacillate between heart and head, the two battling for supremacy.
Only one can win, and only time will tell if I will win or I will lose.

Does lighthearted joy sit in wait for me
or will I find the darkness of despair?
And still the quiet battle rages on inside:
Heart vs. mind, happiness vs. desolation.

Anytime You Need a Friend - Mariah

"Yes, but ..."

Did you ever think of the one you love and think ... "yes, but". I've been thinking a lot about these two words a lot in the past few days. My thoughts are as divided as advice that I'm getting from multiple friends and some of my online reading. I write this blog to try to clarify some of my own thoughts and make sense of what I'm feeling. I'm trying to figure out what is right for ME, not what everyone else thinks is right for me.

Today, I'm wondering how much my conflicting thoughts have to do with my own doubts about myself and how much it has to do with missing my former boyfriend. We haven't spoken in days, after months with no contact.

It is funny, but all it takes is the sound of his voice and any doubts that have been in my mind fly out the window. Even though we hadn't spoken in months, when he called me the other day, it was like only a matter of hours had passed when we started talking again. Nothing was different, nothing had changed. My heart still leapt for joy at the sound of his voice.

Still, in the past few days, those "yes, buts" have caused me to go in search of the reason for the inner conflict that I’m feeling. I think that I've finally come up with an answer. I guess what it all boils down to is ... am I loved. I spent too much of my young life with that burning question "do they love me". That one question seems to have shaped who I am today. I never knew how my parents felt about me. They just never seemed to really care. I was lucky that I had an aunt and uncle whom I adored and who obviously loved me. They were my role models growing up.

Looking back, I can see that the reason my marriage failed was because I no longer felt loved. No matter what was wrong with the marriage, I kept putting my energy and time into it, because at first I felt loved. All it took for me to know the marriage was over was for my husband to repeatedly show me that he no longer cared ... including not caring if I lived or died. No more love ... no more marriage. I know that sounds a bit simplistic, but I think that was the basic reason for me to "throw in the towel".

Do you find that you can forgive just about anything, if you feel loved? Right now my thoughts are full of "yes, buts" because I doubt my former boyfriend loved me. I do want HIM to be happy, if not with me, with someone else who can love and appreciate him.

Have you ever loved someone so much that their happiness is more important to you than your own? This was actually a first for me. We started out as best friends and I don't ever see a time in my life when, above all, I won't think of him as a friend and his happiness won't matter to me.

So I sit here with my "yes, buts". Did he ever loved me? Which is why I am having these "yes, but" conversations in my mind.

The Great Goose Roundup

My mind is blank tonight. I can't seem to think of a thing to say. Ever have days like that? Perhaps it is because I haven't talked to my beloved for a few days and I'm feeling a bit down.

Since I've recently decided to be more active on my blog, I went scrounging through my Musings Folder (does anyone else have one of those?) and came across the following story that I wrote back in 2000 (when I was married and living on the south Texas coast). It's not about my beloved, but given that I posted some of my home videos yesterday, it somehow seemed appropriate. I hope it makes you smile. It even brought a smile to my face, remembering that day, lol.

A couple that lives in the same town with my husband and I, also owns a ranch in a nearby town. We had a number of geese around that someone had raised and turned loose. They had become somewhat of a nuisance to all the neighbors, so I had given the couple two geese before. Unfortunately, they had lost one due to the fact that geese think they are bigger than everything else. The gander had attacked a calf and the momma cow took exception to that fact. The cow kicked the gander, so now they were down to one goose and they called me.

Of course they could have more geese. Now, since geese think they are bigger than anyone else, they are not my favorite birds. They attack my baby ducklings and everything else they can get away with. So we planned a day they would come over and get more geese.

Enter the rain. It rained for three days. It was not a hard rain mind you, but a soft, gentle, soaking rain. But that was ok, because the sun came out for a couple of days and dried everywhere it could reach (remember these words, lol).

Then it was the morning of the great goose roundup. At 7:30 a.m. the couple appeared at my home, cage in the back of their truck for the geese, and we plotted strategy. My husband and I would feed the ducks and geese in front of my car. That would put them between two buildings, thereby blocking them in. The couple would then proceed to come up the sides of my car and my husband and I, being in front of the geese and ducks, would have them trapped.

Now there are two groups of geese, a group of four and a couple. Well ... just because geese think they are bigger than everything else doesn't mean they are totally stupid. There were two strangers there and they were not about to come in front of my car. Scratching my head I came up with a brilliant idea.

I live on the coast ... right on the water ... and the houses are on poles. So I decided to trap them underneath the house. My car was blocking them on one side and a screened-in porch was blocking them from the front. I proceeded around my car and came in behind them, my husband came to the front of the car and blocked them there, the husband of my friend came up next to me and blocked them there and my friend came in from under the stairs. We had done it! We had four of the geese trapped under the house!

Dodging left and right, while the geese honked and milled around trying to find an avenue of escape, we kept them under the house and closed in. Slowly, but surely, we worked our way in on them. Slowly, but surely, we managed to narrow it down to about a 7 by 7 foot area. One of the geese decided it had had enough and tried to make a break for it. It darted right toward my friend's husband and, by darn, he caught it!

Now, remember earlier I mentioned that the sun had dried all the areas it could reach, well it hadn't dried the ground under the house. My friend's husband went flying one way and ... when my husband attempted to grab him to break his fall ... the goose went flying in the other. My friend, in the meantime, is standing there with her mouth hanging open and her arms outstretched like she wants a hug. I, on the other hand, take off after the goose that, of course, can fly much better than I can. Needless to say we did not catch any geese that day.

Oh well, maybe next time.

We plan to try again, but this time I'm bringing a video camera.

Connected Video

Connected by Nobody

I wrote this one a while back. Now I wonder if it is true or was it a dream?

Do you ever stop and think of me for no reason at all?
Do you feel a ghostly hand caress you at any time of day?
Could it be that I touch you with my mind when I think of you,
like memories of you touch my heart in every way?

Does your chest ever hurt for no discernable reason?
Do you ever suddenly feel a pain deep in your heart?
Could it be that my deepest longings can touch you,
even though you and I are miles and miles apart?

Does a burst of laughter cause you to turn your head,
or perhaps a whimper of sound that seems out of place?
Could it be you hear my laughter and joy at memories,
or my moans of pain when I long to see your face.

No matter what I do each day, I always feel you close.
Your pain is my pain, in that connection that we share.
I suddenly stop and think of you, many times of day
and, because of that, no other man can compare.