The past week has been a hard one. My health has not been the best due to the effects of the reaction I had to the upper GI and my illness. I haven't slept well all month either. The lack of sleep and health have put me in a very depressed state of mind. There are times when I feel like I'm going on adrenaline just to drag myself upright and put one foot in front of the other. I'm missing that constant smile of mine.
Tomorrow is the birthday of my aunt, Gladys, and my best friend, Charlotte. Both of them died of cancer and both had profound influences on my life. My aunt died over 10 years ago and Charlotte died two years ago. I still miss them to this day.
Combining all of the above, you find me in a reflective mood this past week. I've really taken a hard look at my life and where I want to go with it. I couldn't do a whole lot else since I wasn't feeling well. I spent a lot of time thinking on my couch, which is where I'm heading again as soon as I post this.
As much as I loved my former boyfriend, I've come to realize in the past few weeks that I have to let go of the dream. It is possible that it was all a mirage anyway. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone ... like I am now. It was my friends who called to check on me when I was sick this past week. I haven't heard from him in over a month again and I can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring any longer. He has never been there for me when I needed him most, and he never will be. It's time for me to wake up to the truth.
There is no anger at him in this decision, only pain and tears.
My friend "J" told me earlier this week that I was like a figurine ... sitting on a shelf ... waiting to be noticed. I've mulled that one over all week. I started to wonder if it would be another 8 months before I heard from my former boyfriend again and if I was going to sit on that shelf waiting ... once again ... staring at the picture beside my bedside and my monitor and eating my heart out.
Yesterday, a dear friend "P" sent me a song, "When You Wish Upon a Star", from the Disney movie "Pinocchio". Right now that song and movie seem very appropriate. I no longer want to be that figurine (puppet). I want to be a real woman who has someone who loves and cares about her and how she is doing. I want to have a man in my life that I can love and pamper and give the gift of all the love I have in my heart. I want to have someone who makes me smile and laugh again ... instead of crying. Is it possible that I've found him?
I've been wishing upon a star for years, perhaps it is time for me to make a new wish, so new dreams will come true. My old dream seems to have died due to neglect. I am also beginning to wonder how much my ill health has to do with this pain that I'm in. While I was dusting his pictures, I have become "dusty" on that shelf from being left alone so long. Like the poem I posted on June 23, loneliness gnaws at my soul and a void has opened up inside me. I've put the pictures away, now it's time to move on.
There has to be someone out there who will love and care about me whom I can love and care about also. Right now that dream I had and posted about is much on my mind. I'm in so much pain right now that I can't bear the thought that it will never go away. I just hoping and praying that "the dream" doesn't come true. I'm hoping it was just a nightmare brought about by my tortured mind in its loneliness. I'm hoping my friend is right and the dream portrays the sunshine of happiness that is yet to come.
Two of my friends, one my doctor and the other my former co-worker, urged me to sign up on an online dating site. I have followed their advice. It tears my heart out to do so, but I'm clear in my profile that I'm looking for a friend. I'll give it a couple of months and see how it goes. I promised them I would. I've already met two very nice men "J" and "P" ... I think will be great friends.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Did you ever have a song that seems to carry significance at many different times in your life?
I remember when I first heard Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" back in 1970. My childhood sweetheart (he gave me my first kiss when I was about 6 years old), had just broken up with me. He and I lived about 3 hours apart and neither of us could drive at the time. It was my first experience with rejection and a broken heart. I remember listening to the song over and over.
Now, once again, this song soothes something in my soul. I wonder why that is. Is it because of that distant memory of how it soothed me back in my teens? Perhaps it is the words:
When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I’m on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
I remember when I first heard Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" back in 1970. My childhood sweetheart (he gave me my first kiss when I was about 6 years old), had just broken up with me. He and I lived about 3 hours apart and neither of us could drive at the time. It was my first experience with rejection and a broken heart. I remember listening to the song over and over.
Now, once again, this song soothes something in my soul. I wonder why that is. Is it because of that distant memory of how it soothed me back in my teens? Perhaps it is the words:
When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I’m on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Guidepaths to Peace
Someone shared this with me this week. It really struck a chord in me. It is how I try to live my life, yet these days I wonder if I will ever again know true peace ... of mind, body and soul.
Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to work and to play and to look up at the stars;
to be satisfied with your possessions
but not content with yourself until you have made the best of them;
to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness,
and to fear nothing except cowardice;
to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts;
to covet nothing that is your neighbor’s
except his kindness of heart and gentleness of manners;
to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends, and every day of Christ;
and to spend as much time as you can with body and spirit in God’s out of doors
-- these are little guidepaths to peace.
~ Henry van Dyke
I'm glad of my life and grateful for each day that I have survived the cancer that I had years ago.
I'm happy with what I have materialistically. Sure, I'd like to have a flat panel monitor and a few other things, lol, but I will get them when the time is right because I don't really NEED them.
I fear nothing ... well almost nothing. I don't like heights, lol, but that has never stopped me from doing what I want to do. I've gone to the top of a tower and climbed ladders. I won't let my fears control me.
I've always had enough courage to do what needed to be done, when it needed to be done. There is enough adventure in my heart that I'm willing to take great risks ... risks that have brought me to where I am today (something I'll never regret).
I don't really have any enemies, at least none that I know about. I hate no one ... hate takes too much energy that can be spent on something more enjoyable. I'm sure there are people who don't like me, but they don't really bother me. There are also a few online trolls that don't like me for one reason or another, but I ignore them ... they really have no bearing in my life whatsoever. I am just me and not everyone can like everyone.
I do think of our Lord every day and pray frequently. I also try to spend a bit of each day outside. I feed my critters and water my plants and just enjoy a moment basking in the sun.
Still, the peace my soul longs for seems just out of my reach ... and I know what it is missing.
Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to work and to play and to look up at the stars;
to be satisfied with your possessions
but not content with yourself until you have made the best of them;
to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness,
and to fear nothing except cowardice;
to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts;
to covet nothing that is your neighbor’s
except his kindness of heart and gentleness of manners;
to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends, and every day of Christ;
and to spend as much time as you can with body and spirit in God’s out of doors
-- these are little guidepaths to peace.
~ Henry van Dyke
I'm glad of my life and grateful for each day that I have survived the cancer that I had years ago.
I'm happy with what I have materialistically. Sure, I'd like to have a flat panel monitor and a few other things, lol, but I will get them when the time is right because I don't really NEED them.
I fear nothing ... well almost nothing. I don't like heights, lol, but that has never stopped me from doing what I want to do. I've gone to the top of a tower and climbed ladders. I won't let my fears control me.
I've always had enough courage to do what needed to be done, when it needed to be done. There is enough adventure in my heart that I'm willing to take great risks ... risks that have brought me to where I am today (something I'll never regret).
I don't really have any enemies, at least none that I know about. I hate no one ... hate takes too much energy that can be spent on something more enjoyable. I'm sure there are people who don't like me, but they don't really bother me. There are also a few online trolls that don't like me for one reason or another, but I ignore them ... they really have no bearing in my life whatsoever. I am just me and not everyone can like everyone.
I do think of our Lord every day and pray frequently. I also try to spend a bit of each day outside. I feed my critters and water my plants and just enjoy a moment basking in the sun.
Still, the peace my soul longs for seems just out of my reach ... and I know what it is missing.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Ever had an Upper GI?
I would imagine that most people would find the experience no big deal. At most, some people might think it was mildly uncomfortable. My experience was somewhat different.
I arrive on time for my appointment and didn't have to wait too long for them to take me back and have me put on a hospital gown. Then I was made to wait in an area with several other people ... men and women ... which was a bit uncomfortable, given what I was wearing ... or not wearing. I was then taken in for an initial x-ray.
After that the real wait began. I must have been sitting there for a half hour to 45 minutes before I was taken in the room where they do the upper GI ... then another long wait for the doctor to come in.
They make you drink 2 cups of a chalky substance called barium sulfate while they watch it travel down your body. The stuff is nasty tasting. I had a hard time getting it down without it wanting to come back up, but then I can't drink Pepto Bismol without it coming back up, so I didn't think much of it.
The good news was that the stuff traveled through my system in record time. I was able to get out of there quickly after I finished drinking the stuff. In other words, it went straight through me. Now I'm starting to wonder if that is good news or cause for concern.
The bad news is that I am one of the very small percent of people in this world who is allergic to barium sulfate. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since I'm allergic to metal. I can't get a shot without running a fever or wear jewelry without breaking out in a rash.
The nurse told me that I might suffer constipation from the barium sulfate. I should have been so lucky. I also should have known my body would react differently. By the time I got home, diarrhea had hit. This was quickly followed by my blood pressure going up. A splitting headache followed (probably due to the rise in my blood pressure).
My sense of taste was gone too. I started drinking a diet coke when I got home, but thought it was flat. I then tried a diet creme soda, only to find it tasted flat too.
Add to those sympthoms some almost crippling cramps that had me doubled over at times, and you get a very nasty afternoon. At one point I gave serious consideration to calling 911, but I took some asprin and slept for 3 hours instead.
Needless to say, the next time a doctor suggests an upper GI, I will politely decline their suggestion.
I arrive on time for my appointment and didn't have to wait too long for them to take me back and have me put on a hospital gown. Then I was made to wait in an area with several other people ... men and women ... which was a bit uncomfortable, given what I was wearing ... or not wearing. I was then taken in for an initial x-ray.
After that the real wait began. I must have been sitting there for a half hour to 45 minutes before I was taken in the room where they do the upper GI ... then another long wait for the doctor to come in.
They make you drink 2 cups of a chalky substance called barium sulfate while they watch it travel down your body. The stuff is nasty tasting. I had a hard time getting it down without it wanting to come back up, but then I can't drink Pepto Bismol without it coming back up, so I didn't think much of it.
The good news was that the stuff traveled through my system in record time. I was able to get out of there quickly after I finished drinking the stuff. In other words, it went straight through me. Now I'm starting to wonder if that is good news or cause for concern.
The bad news is that I am one of the very small percent of people in this world who is allergic to barium sulfate. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since I'm allergic to metal. I can't get a shot without running a fever or wear jewelry without breaking out in a rash.
The nurse told me that I might suffer constipation from the barium sulfate. I should have been so lucky. I also should have known my body would react differently. By the time I got home, diarrhea had hit. This was quickly followed by my blood pressure going up. A splitting headache followed (probably due to the rise in my blood pressure).
My sense of taste was gone too. I started drinking a diet coke when I got home, but thought it was flat. I then tried a diet creme soda, only to find it tasted flat too.
Add to those sympthoms some almost crippling cramps that had me doubled over at times, and you get a very nasty afternoon. At one point I gave serious consideration to calling 911, but I took some asprin and slept for 3 hours instead.
Needless to say, the next time a doctor suggests an upper GI, I will politely decline their suggestion.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Only a Woman's Heart
I love this song, "Only A Woman's Heart". Listening to it, I hear the pain that I have been feeling these past months as I try to move on with my life. I was listening to it yesterday.
I'm so happy for my friend.
My friend "J" called a while ago and was bubbling over about his first date. It sounds like it went wonderfully, with only one hitch or two. They spent the whole day together at the zoo and eating out. It sounds like a perfect first date to me and she sounds like she is really nice.
His date sounds like just what he needs, a woman who is free to care and touch. I hope that she is everything he needs. I hope that this one date grows into others and they can build a relationship with each date. "J" is a really nice guy that deserves to have someone to love and to love him. He's had enough pain in his life too, and he deserves some happiness.
As for me, I did go to the store. I did go outside and feed the critters and watered my plants, but pain is my constant companion. My tears are always close to the surface. I feel so lost and alone.
His date sounds like just what he needs, a woman who is free to care and touch. I hope that she is everything he needs. I hope that this one date grows into others and they can build a relationship with each date. "J" is a really nice guy that deserves to have someone to love and to love him. He's had enough pain in his life too, and he deserves some happiness.
As for me, I did go to the store. I did go outside and feed the critters and watered my plants, but pain is my constant companion. My tears are always close to the surface. I feel so lost and alone.
It's been a hard weekend.
I have shed a river of tears in the past few days. It's been 24 days now since I last talked to my former boyfriend. I've been listening to so much of the music that he and I shared and sobbing as each one pushed a dagger further and further into my heart. Even now, tears are right there on the surface of my eyes, waiting to spill over. Perhaps they are trying to wash the pain out of my heart so it can heal.
I struggled last night with what I'm going to do with all the pain inside. Yesterday I decided it was time to just let go.
During the 8 months we were apart, I listened to friends. They were worried about how lonely and sad that I was. One week before he called me again, I let one of my friends convince me to go out on a date. What started as a date turned into making a new friend. I told my date "J" that I was still in love with my former boyfriend and I made a friend that day. He understood how I felt. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, but is trying to move on with his life. He is even out on a date today and I'm cheering him on. He's a really nice guy and I hope he finds a new love to fill his life.
When my former boyfriend called, I told him the truth that I had been out on one date, but it ended with me finding a friend and not a potential "boyfriend".
I did come to one positive decision. My new friend and my old friends continue to worry about me, so I will try to ease their worry. It was their concern that has brought me to the realization that I can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring anymore. It is eating me up inside and making me ill. I have to let go and move on.
I've got to start getting out, even though I hurt so much that pain has become a constant companion. I know it is going to take every ounce of my will-power to do this. Sitting here is only rewarding me with ill health. My insides are eating themselves up and my emotional pain is becoming physical. I can't go on like this. Even now my lunch is eating a hole in my insides and I feel nauseated. So, I'm going to go to the store and maybe, when I get back, I will go outside and watch the critters. I know it's not much, but it is a first step.
I struggled last night with what I'm going to do with all the pain inside. Yesterday I decided it was time to just let go.
During the 8 months we were apart, I listened to friends. They were worried about how lonely and sad that I was. One week before he called me again, I let one of my friends convince me to go out on a date. What started as a date turned into making a new friend. I told my date "J" that I was still in love with my former boyfriend and I made a friend that day. He understood how I felt. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, but is trying to move on with his life. He is even out on a date today and I'm cheering him on. He's a really nice guy and I hope he finds a new love to fill his life.
When my former boyfriend called, I told him the truth that I had been out on one date, but it ended with me finding a friend and not a potential "boyfriend".
I did come to one positive decision. My new friend and my old friends continue to worry about me, so I will try to ease their worry. It was their concern that has brought me to the realization that I can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring anymore. It is eating me up inside and making me ill. I have to let go and move on.
I've got to start getting out, even though I hurt so much that pain has become a constant companion. I know it is going to take every ounce of my will-power to do this. Sitting here is only rewarding me with ill health. My insides are eating themselves up and my emotional pain is becoming physical. I can't go on like this. Even now my lunch is eating a hole in my insides and I feel nauseated. So, I'm going to go to the store and maybe, when I get back, I will go outside and watch the critters. I know it's not much, but it is a first step.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Letting Go.
After calling me a couple of times in the past 9 months, my former boyfriend has once again gone missing from my life. I've spent the past two days crying my eyes out and thinking back on the past 4 years.
How do you let go of a dream that has been in your heart for years? Was the dream even real? There are so many things that make me wonder if he was more a figment of my imagination than the man I thought he was ... did I fall in love with a mirage ... did the man that I loved even exist? Still, how do you give up on your best friend?
I've been asking these questions to myself the past two days ... and not finding the answer. I just know that I can't go on living like I have ... which isn't really living ... sitting and waiting for the phone to ring.
How do you let go of a dream that has been in your heart for years? Was the dream even real? There are so many things that make me wonder if he was more a figment of my imagination than the man I thought he was ... did I fall in love with a mirage ... did the man that I loved even exist? Still, how do you give up on your best friend?
I've been asking these questions to myself the past two days ... and not finding the answer. I just know that I can't go on living like I have ... which isn't really living ... sitting and waiting for the phone to ring.
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