New Blog

I moved in with Pat over a year ago and I've finally started writing again. I missed it.

Since my life has changed so much and I'm no longer "nobody", my new blog reflects those changes in the name. The blog is "simpli-country", a play on the word simplicity, although country life is anything BUT simple. I've found that out this past year. It's a lot of very hard work, which is why I don't post as much as I would like ... that and the fact that Pat & I share a computer.

My Montage

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Keeper of the Stars

I'm the happiest woman in the world!

Two weeks of emailing and phoning, then four weekends together ... that is all it took ... actually, I think it took us both less time than that to realize we were made for each other. It's hard for me to believe it's only been such a short time ... I feel like we've known each other for so much longer. I don't know how I got so lucky that we found each other.

We didn't even have our first date until the weekend before last (our fourth together), lol. He took me to the local hang-out for hamburgers and a game of pool. I still think he let me win, lol. Of course, while we were there, he had to show off his prowess at darts, he he he. That wonderful man sure knows how to make me smile ... and laugh.

Last week, my darlin' P, surprised me here in Illinois and asked me to marry him. Today I am wearing his ring ... a ring that symbolizes our love and our dreams for the future. He has made me the happiest woman in the world. I don't know who or what brought us together, but I will forever be thanking the "Keeper of the Stars" for bringing this wonderful man into my life.

We spent this last weekend, our fifth weekend together, having a wonderful time with a couple that are his best friends. The laughter flowed like fine wine ... to the point I was in tears from the laughter.

We also planted tulips for the Spring ... 100 bulbs in a mixture of pink and red. He asked if I would ever plant that many bulbs again and I said I'd plant more next year, lol. They are going to be beautiful when they come up.

His home in Missouri is already beautiful, but we are going to surround his home with even more beauty. The beauty of our love will shine for everyone to see for ... "If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever." (Alfred Lord Tennyson)

Kites and Dreams

For months I was mourning my loss ... posting about it and crying about it and trying to figure out where it went so wrong ... from the first or did it just die a death that was destined from the start. Whatever it was, it is now in my past. A couple of months ago, I gave up and I let go like a child letting go of a kite and now look to the future.

I won't regret my time with him, but will be grateful for the things I learned ... how to give my heart and soul to another and how much love I am capable of bestowing on a man.

A little over a month ago my life changed and any tears that I have these days are tears of joy. I met the most marvelous man. My darlin' P is one of the most extraordinary men that I've ever met ... romantic, straight-forward, funny, loving ... the list could go on and on. I never knew there was a man out there like him. How did I get so lucky that we found each other?

I haven't posted about it, because it was so new. I was holding the delicious feelings inside and letting them blossom and grow. I've been letting them seep into my heart and mind until they were formed enough where I could open up and pour them out into the world. Each day my feelings have grown ... with each phone call, video luncheon, webvideo and visit to his place in the country.

Those walls I was so busy rebuilding ... he went right through them with his innate honesty, musical soul and romantic heart ... like a knight on a quest. He has courted me with music and laughter ... and roses and pampering. No man has ever pampered me before, nor has any man ever gotten past my defenses so quickly to discover the heart that I keep hidden. If someone had asked me a month ago if it were possible to win my heart so quickly, I would have said it was an impossible feat. Yet my darlin' P has somehow accomplished what others have tried and never quite achieved.

The past three weekends have been experiences to delight all my senses. Riding behind him on his motorcycle ... taking wildlife pictures in his deer stand ... soaking in his hot tub ... being cooked for and served steaks and grilled onions ... sitting together on his back porch swing listening to the sounds of the breeze rustling the leaves on the trees ... meeting his friends and hearing stories about his life ... listening to music and singing to each other or dancing around the room ... sitting knee to knee, holding hands while we poured out our feelings while looking in each other's eyes ... and laughter, so much laughter and joy mixed with a bit of pain and a few tears ... my weekends have been filled with tastes, sights, sounds and smells to fill my memory folder with delicious memories, each one more precious than the one before.

Our connection continues to grow with each time together. It amazes me how in a few weeks he already knows and undertands me better than any other man has ever understood me before. He knows when he wants me to do something, all he has to do is make sure I say that "I promise" and it will be done. He knows that I am a very elemental person ... with an affinity to earth, wind, fire and water ... an affinity he cultivates and nurtures, as it feeds a part of himself. We have given each other back somethings we had both lost ... hopes and dreams.

We have given each other a future filled with those hopes and dreams. The work (actually a pleasure) has begun. Now we can work together to make plans for the future and dreams come true and to keep our love alive ... to forge a partnership that will last for the rest of our lives. Our building blocks will be love, honesty, humor, music, sharing and caring. Those blocks should build our dreams until they reach the sky.

It's time to once again break out a new kite ... and this one we can hang onto ... together.

How did it turn around so fast?

I have been sitting here re-reading some of my posts and wondering how the hell my life has changed so much in a matter of a few weeks ... or even one week for that matter. All that I believed when I wrote those posts to this site are being blown out of the water. My life has turned in a completely new direction in a matter of DAYS! How did it happen?

I mentioned that my friends talked me into signing up with a couple of online dating sites. Most of the guys I heard from were scammers, or only wanting one thing (guess what). Then I heard from a guy that lives in Missouri. "P" lost his wife to cancer and, after I told him I was a breast cancer survivor, I never expected to hear from him again. Instead, I've heard from him every day.

I was upfront with him and told him that I was missing my former boyfriend and trying to get on with my life. I told him that I was just looking for a friend, not a boyfriend. He told me that he'd be glad to be my friend.

It started out with emails and a few phone calls. In the past week, it has moved on to video chat at lunch and in the evenings when he is off work (he works nights, four days a week) ... one night for 12 hours. We share a love of nature and have been sharing the photos we've taken of wildlife. We also share a love of music.

I've never met a man who has ever courted me with such devotion to what might win my heart. "P" sends me the most wonderful songs that are guaranteed to melt the coldest heart. He sends me photos and graphics guaranteed to make me smile. The past two days he has sent me video emails that make me smile, and sometimes laugh out loud. He loves my smile and does his level best to keep it on my face, even if it means getting up and waltzing around the room while I watch, lol. He calls me beautiful and sweetheart.

Last night he asked me where we were going. We were only going to help each other get on with our lives after the loss of our loved ones ... him to death and me to being abandoned. I told him that I didn't know, but I was going to hang on for dear life for the ride. Both of us are confused because we thought we were just going to be friends, but it FEELS like more than that. I think he's as blown away by this (whatever this is) as I am. What we have shared makes me feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff right now ... just a short step from falling.

He went to a party tonight and just called me a few minutes ago to let me know he was thinking of me. Wow! "P" is totally blowing me (and those "walls" I have been rebuilding) away. I'm sitting here right now wondering if I'm dreaming, if this can be real.

My girlfriend says he looks like a Texan, from his photo. I told her he's got a Texas attitude, because "P" has an innate honesty and forthrightness about him that is rare.

I'm meeting him for the first time tomorrow. I don't understand why I'm NOT nervous. I was so nervous when I first met my former boyfriend (and I had known him for almost 3 years before our first face to face meeting), but there are no jitters there at all, only a quiet excitement.

So tonight, I sit here shaking my head and wondering. Can this be real? How can this be happening to me so quickly? What the hell is happening to me? No, I am not saying that I'm in love, but I think that I'm only a step away from falling in love all over again. Could it be that my heart was lost and alone for so long, that, in its loneliness, it sought out a new heart to ease its pain?

I have no answers and no clue.

Don't get me wrong.

I just re-read my last post. It makes me sound like I'm cutting myself off from everyone. Nothing can be further from the truth. I do have friends that I have contact with ... today being one of those days filled with them.

I spent the day with an elderly woman who doesn't drive. She used to volunteer at my last job. I acted as her chauffeur today and took her around to different stores. I do this on a regular basis (we went last weekend also). She's a sweet lady. I enjoy spending time with her. She treated me to lunch. She also gave me some vegetables out of her garden when I dropped her off and carried her groceries inside.

When I got home, another friend stopped by to see how I was doing. He is a former neighbor. He calls or drops by from time to time to see how I'm doing and if I need anything. I have helped him out a time or two before, so he keeps in touch.

Then tonight I got two calls from my friend "J". He is romancing a lady and calls for advice, lol. I know, you are probably thinking ... how ironic that someone who doesn't know how to keep love is giving advice.

He has a date with "B" today. I gave "J" a link to a site in St. Louis that shows what events are happening this weekend and a suggestion on what I thought she might like to do from the list. That's where they are going today. I also talked to him to "calm him down". He really likes "B" and doesn't want to mess up.

I received an email from him a bit ago. "J" said he was confused and had no idea what to do until he talked to me. He said he talked to "B" and she wanted to go to the festival that I recommended (I also gave him several other ideas). He also said that I'm "a good woman" ... which sent me off on my tangent.

I have friends ... friends who care about me ... I just don't have love in my life ... someone to love and care for ... which is why I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

Late Night Ramblings

Ok, I'll admit it. It's after 1:00 a.m. and I'm sitting here feeling down and sorry for myself.

I'm also wondering what it is about me that causes the men in my life to fall out of love with me ... abandon me.

My biological father was the first in a long line. He left my mother, brother and I. I'll never find out why. He died at some point. I found out about his death when I was going through chemo 10 years ago.

My friends tell me that I'm a wonderful woman ... sweet, kind, fun, loving, giving. They say I deserve a man who will love me and appreciate me. That's all well and good for my friends to say. It seems that the men that I love, don't feel the same way ... witness the disappearance of my former boyfriend.

What is it about me that causes the men in my life to abandon me? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? I try to figure it out, but it is beyond my grasp.

I'm now questioning the past 4 years. Did he ever love me? Did he box himself into such a tight corner that he could never find his way out and is that why he quit calling? Was it all a lie or did he love me at some point and then stop? And, if that last premise is true, why did he stop? What did I do wrong?

Now, I wonder if I will ever be able to trust a man with what is left of my heart.

I can feel my walls starting to re-build themselves. They crumbled to the ground when I gave my heart to my former boyfriend. Each day I can feel the walls growing higher and higher. At the rate the reconstruction is going, it will take a mountain climber to ever scale the walls to find the bruised and battered heart hidden behind the wall.

I used to be such a trusting soul, but that is gone. I have somehow lost my ability to trust ... in myself and others. Like a wild animal, I am shying from close human contact. I wonder if I will ever heal and regain what I have lost.

Doctors!

Yesterday I finally got the results of my Upper GI (it took them long enough to call me back). I was told that I had a "thickening" in the "bed of my stomach". The nurse told me that the doctor wanted to do yet another test ... an EGD Scope. I said no.

Then she wanted me to at least have some blood work done ... according to her it would tell them if I had gastritis or not (I thought it was Crohn's or Colitis that they were trying to diagnose). I said I'd think about it.

I did think about it. I called the doctor's office back again first thing this morning. I told the nurse that I wasn't having another test. I think I caught her off guard, since I was so insistent and had done my homework first.

I also told her that all my symptoms point to Crohn's (fever, eye problems, pain on right side, arthritis) and not Colitis. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck ... guess what ... it's a duck!

The doctor's nurse finally agreed to talk to the doctor and call me back. It took her long enough, but she finally called me back around 5:00 this afternoon. She told me that the doctor had reviewed my records. She had recorded, after my colonoscopy, that I had Crohn's Disease.

I asked why the heck did they have me do the Upper GI when they already knew ... no answer to that one. I got sick from the Barium Sulfate for no good reason whatsoever. The nurse also said that I don't need the blood test or the EGD scope ... since they already HAVE a diagnosis.

I couldn't find anything on a "thickening bed" in the stomach online, so I questioned the nurse as to what it meant. I kept after her until she finally read what was written on the report. It seems that it means that either I have gastroenteritus OR it could be a reaction to medications ... guess which one I'm voting for.

Next I questioned the medication (Lialda). According to the medications' website, it is for Ulcerative Colitis (no mention of Crohn's). If anything, I've felt worse since I started taking it. I'm still not happy with her answer on THAT. She insisted that I continue until I see the doctor in two weeks. In the meantime, I'm to take a medication that may or may not help.

I don't remember the last time that I was so livid (a rarity for me). The doctor already has a diagnosis, but is scheduling me for all sorts of tests. If I hadn't put my foot down, there is no telling how many tests they would have put me through. Grrrrrrrr.

Add to that, I've got to call twice a day to see if I have to report for Jury Duty this week. Although I guess that could be worse, I could have actually been called (and had to constantly excuse myself for the bathroom).

If I didn't have IBD before, the past few weeks would insure that I would have it ... or an ulcer!

Wishing Upon a Star

The past week has been a hard one. My health has not been the best due to the effects of the reaction I had to the upper GI and my illness. I haven't slept well all month either. The lack of sleep and health have put me in a very depressed state of mind. There are times when I feel like I'm going on adrenaline just to drag myself upright and put one foot in front of the other. I'm missing that constant smile of mine.

Tomorrow is the birthday of my aunt, Gladys, and my best friend, Charlotte. Both of them died of cancer and both had profound influences on my life. My aunt died over 10 years ago and Charlotte died two years ago. I still miss them to this day.

Combining all of the above, you find me in a reflective mood this past week. I've really taken a hard look at my life and where I want to go with it. I couldn't do a whole lot else since I wasn't feeling well. I spent a lot of time thinking on my couch, which is where I'm heading again as soon as I post this.

As much as I loved my former boyfriend, I've come to realize in the past few weeks that I have to let go of the dream. It is possible that it was all a mirage anyway. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone ... like I am now. It was my friends who called to check on me when I was sick this past week. I haven't heard from him in over a month again and I can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring any longer. He has never been there for me when I needed him most, and he never will be. It's time for me to wake up to the truth.

There is no anger at him in this decision, only pain and tears.

My friend "J" told me earlier this week that I was like a figurine ... sitting on a shelf ... waiting to be noticed. I've mulled that one over all week. I started to wonder if it would be another 8 months before I heard from my former boyfriend again and if I was going to sit on that shelf waiting ... once again ... staring at the picture beside my bedside and my monitor and eating my heart out.

Yesterday, a dear friend "P" sent me a song, "When You Wish Upon a Star", from the Disney movie "Pinocchio". Right now that song and movie seem very appropriate. I no longer want to be that figurine (puppet). I want to be a real woman who has someone who loves and cares about her and how she is doing. I want to have a man in my life that I can love and pamper and give the gift of all the love I have in my heart. I want to have someone who makes me smile and laugh again ... instead of crying. Is it possible that I've found him?

I've been wishing upon a star for years, perhaps it is time for me to make a new wish, so new dreams will come true. My old dream seems to have died due to neglect. I am also beginning to wonder how much my ill health has to do with this pain that I'm in. While I was dusting his pictures, I have become "dusty" on that shelf from being left alone so long. Like the poem I posted on June 23, loneliness gnaws at my soul and a void has opened up inside me. I've put the pictures away, now it's time to move on.

There has to be someone out there who will love and care about me whom I can love and care about also. Right now that dream I had and posted about is much on my mind. I'm in so much pain right now that I can't bear the thought that it will never go away. I just hoping and praying that "the dream" doesn't come true. I'm hoping it was just a nightmare brought about by my tortured mind in its loneliness. I'm hoping my friend is right and the dream portrays the sunshine of happiness that is yet to come.

Two of my friends, one my doctor and the other my former co-worker, urged me to sign up on an online dating site. I have followed their advice. It tears my heart out to do so, but I'm clear in my profile that I'm looking for a friend. I'll give it a couple of months and see how it goes. I promised them I would. I've already met two very nice men "J" and "P" ... I think will be great friends.