Looking into the mirror, a strangers face stares back at me. The curve of my lips turn into a downward bend. Like a dolphin, my face once wore an almost perpetual smile. Now my smiles have become an exercise in willpower and any laughter that I find sounds hollow to my ears. Is there no person that can bring back the laughter that I once knew?
Looking into the eyes in the mirror, I see death. Eyes stare back, filled with a deep sadness. Eyes, once filled with sparkle, are now only inky wells of blackness. They contain no glimmer, no life. The eyes looking back no longer reflect any joy or happiness. They are the eyes of a dead person.
My life stretches before me like a vast desert with no oasis in sight. Without love, living is akin to being without the healing water or cooling shade that might sooth my parched and withering soul. It has become a wasteland, barren of any bloom of joy to brighten the landscape. The searing pain of living without love, like a brutal sun, shrivels my soul.
How can one live without joy, without dreams. Never again to love. Will I never again feel my heart jump with joy at the sight of my beloved or even the sound of his voice? The thought tears at my heart, my very soul, until my eyes once again glimmer, this time with tears.
My dream came true the day he told me that he loved me. He had found a small crack in my defenses. The crack widened to become a huge hole that allowed my love to come pouring through. The joy and laughter that he brought into my life was a miracle to me.
Now my dream has turned into a living nightmare filled with pain. Having known the happiness, the despair at its loss is devastating. I had never before opened myself up to give love so completely, unconditionally.
Like Paul Simon’s song, I have become a rock, an island. I allow no one to touch me, inside or out. Unfortunately, unlike the song, I do feel pain. A constant ache in my chest, a insistent emptiness where love once filled my life.
Having survived so much in my life ... an abusive relationship, love-less marriage, and cancer ... it is missing love that kills me slowly each day.
So I look into the mirror, into the face of death. Into a face containing no joy of life.
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