Saturday, June 23, 2007

One is the Loneliest ... cute claymation video

Loneliness by Nobody

I wrote the following before I found my beloved. Missing him is a constant ache in my chest these days.


Loneliness gnaws at my soul.
Chunks are being torn from me.
I can feel the beast draining my life
And leaving inside me a void.

Feeling leaves my body, I am empty inside,
A shell of a person ... no longer there.

Where there is no love to hold
There can be no love inside.
Light and laughter do not exist
In a soul devoid of love.

So I sit in this hollow shell, not quite a person,
To long unloved, to long unwanted.

Ah, to be held in a lover's arms,
To be needed and wanted.
Made full of love once again
To be cherished above all.

My soul cries out for the simple joy
of being held in loving arms ... it cries out for love.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Uncle Bobby

On Father's Day, I always think of my Uncle Bobby. He was the closest thing to having a father in my life. Yes, I had a biological father and a father who adopted me when he married my mother, but it was Uncle Bobby who gave me the unconditional love that a father would his child. There wasn't much I wouldn't do for Uncle Bobby. He is the only other man, other than my beloved, that I've ever adored.


He and my aunt started having me over for weekends when I was a week old. When I was with them, I could be a child, something that I could not be with my parents.

I grew up watching television on a quilted blanket on his floor or on the couch. He had a color TV long before my parents did. He loved to watch me dancing around the room to American Bandstand.

He bought a vacation house on the coast when I was six and that is where I spent vacations and weekends when I was growing up. He taught me how to fish and I would spend hours fishing, until he would come out and call me inside for the night.

On weekends, my family would often go to my aunt and uncle's house for Sunday dinner. I would often crawl in bed beside him for a Sunday nap. I can remember him fussing at me to be still.

At the ripe old age of 12, Uncle Bobby taught me how to drive. I loved it and would drive him all over the countryside. He always fussed that I drove like Mario Andretti. Even so, I sometimes think he invented trips, just so I could drive him somewhere.

When I graduated from 8th grade, he fenced in his property and bought me a horse ... something I had wanted from infancy on ... the joke in my family was that my first word was "horse". Since he lived outside of town, he would have to drive into town each day and pick me up from schools so I could take care of my horse and ride. Afterwards he would drive me home, or I'd get a turn behind the wheel.

I still grieve at his loss. He died of cancer just 6 weeks shy of my graduating from High School. I still miss him and grieve at his loss.

When I die, I hope he and my aunt are there waiting for me. I imagine he will do what he always did ... reach out and grab my arm and say, "I love you, Baby." Of course, I'll answer, "I love you too, Uncle Bobby."

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Love or Solitude?

It was while I was so ill with cancer that the thought of the pain of my death first hit my conscious. While there was not a lot of fear towards death, I worried about how my death would affect my family and friends. I didn't want them to be hurt, so I fought hard ... and lived.

It caused me to wonder if animals don't have the right idea. So many of them go off to be alone to die. Is their leaving the group a conscious decision, to spare the group the grief of their passing or just nature's way to keep the whole group from becoming ill at whatever malady that is killing them?

Recent events have brought those worries back to my mind. While not by death, I have recently lost someone whom I adored. It got me to thinking about the pain of loss.

There are times these days when, while doing some mundane task, a whimper of pain escapes from the depth of my soul. I won't even be consciously thinking of the one that is lost, but suddenly a moan of despair wells up and forces itself out of my mouth. It is about this time that my eyes usually fill with tears and the face of my beloved appears before the eyes in my mind. At about that point in time, I feel my whole body join in pain for the absence of my beloved.

While Shakespeare may be right that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", he didn't say just how many times we are supposed to allow this to happen. I've had four serious relationships, and a few that were not so serious, in my lifetime. I even married one of the men for 19 years, until events drove us apart. I don't think I ever felt about any of them, the depth of devotion that I felt for my beloved, which is why I am suffering so much now.
So, that brings me back to my first thought, is it better to spend the rest of my life alone? Should I do it to protect myself from ever feeling this pain again?

Thursday, June 7, 2007

The Mirror by Nobody

Looking into the mirror, a strangers face stares back at me. The curve of my lips turn into a downward bend. Like a dolphin, my face once wore an almost perpetual smile. Now my smiles have become an exercise in willpower and any laughter that I find sounds hollow to my ears. Is there no person that can bring back the laughter that I once knew?


Looking into the eyes in the mirror, I see death. Eyes stare back, filled with a deep sadness. Eyes, once filled with sparkle, are now only inky wells of blackness. They contain no glimmer, no life. The eyes looking back no longer reflect any joy or happiness. They are the eyes of a dead person.


My life stretches before me like a vast desert with no oasis in sight. Without love, living is akin to being without the healing water or cooling shade that might sooth my parched and withering soul. It has become a wasteland, barren of any bloom of joy to brighten the landscape. The searing pain of living without love, like a brutal sun, shrivels my soul.


How can one live without joy, without dreams. Never again to love. Will I never again feel my heart jump with joy at the sight of my beloved or even the sound of his voice? The thought tears at my heart, my very soul, until my eyes once again glimmer, this time with tears.


My dream came true the day he told me that he loved me. He had found a small crack in my defenses. The crack widened to become a huge hole that allowed my love to come pouring through. The joy and laughter that he brought into my life was a miracle to me.


Now my dream has turned into a living nightmare filled with pain. Having known the happiness, the despair at its loss is devastating. I had never before opened myself up to give love so completely, unconditionally.


Like Paul Simon’s song, I have become a rock, an island. I allow no one to touch me, inside or out. Unfortunately, unlike the song, I do feel pain. A constant ache in my chest, a insistent emptiness where love once filled my life.


Having survived so much in my life ... an abusive relationship, love-less marriage, and cancer ... it is missing love that kills me slowly each day.


So I look into the mirror, into the face of death. Into a face containing no joy of life.

Before you (and I) get started ...

You need to know a bit about me. I am not usually a "poor me" person. Until recently, I had a face like a dolphin that wore a perpetual smile. However, recent events have sent my life on a downward spiral. I somehow "lost" my beloved boyfriend. I'm not quite sure where he went or why, but I haven't heard from him since Christmas and I've been more than a bit down as a result.


We met online over 7 years ago. In the process of being best friends, we fell in love ... or at least I did. We were a couple for over 4 years ... years that contained the adventure of travel and moving closer to him. Through the best and worst of times, my love for him remained strong.

I often have thoughts that make me wonder about life. There are times lately that those thoughts and musings have not been pretty. I needed a place to "get my thoughts and feelings out", so Nobody's Home has been born.

It hasn't been a pretty birth. Blogging is new to me and I'm not quite sure where to start. I'm learning, so please bear with me and don't judge anything I post too harshly.

One of my favorite quotes is "this too shall pass". I just hope and pray that this pain will pass and I will find my way to happiness once again.

If something I write touches you, I welcome your comments. I want to know if there is anyone out there who feels the same as I do.