Saturday, October 13, 2007

How did it turn around so fast?

I have been sitting here re-reading some of my posts and wondering how the hell my life has changed so much in a matter of a few weeks ... or even one week for that matter. All that I believed when I wrote those posts to this site are being blown out of the water. My life has turned in a completely new direction in a matter of DAYS! How did it happen?

I mentioned that my friends talked me into signing up with a couple of online dating sites. Most of the guys I heard from were scammers, or only wanting one thing (guess what). Then I heard from a guy that lives in Missouri. "P" lost his wife to cancer and, after I told him I was a breast cancer survivor, I never expected to hear from him again. Instead, I've heard from him every day.

I was upfront with him and told him that I was missing my former boyfriend and trying to get on with my life. I told him that I was just looking for a friend, not a boyfriend. He told me that he'd be glad to be my friend.

It started out with emails and a few phone calls. In the past week, it has moved on to video chat at lunch and in the evenings when he is off work (he works nights, four days a week) ... one night for 12 hours. We share a love of nature and have been sharing the photos we've taken of wildlife. We also share a love of music.

I've never met a man who has ever courted me with such devotion to what might win my heart. "P" sends me the most wonderful songs that are guaranteed to melt the coldest heart. He sends me photos and graphics guaranteed to make me smile. The past two days he has sent me video emails that make me smile, and sometimes laugh out loud. He loves my smile and does his level best to keep it on my face, even if it means getting up and waltzing around the room while I watch, lol. He calls me beautiful and sweetheart.

Last night he asked me where we were going. We were only going to help each other get on with our lives after the loss of our loved ones ... him to death and me to being abandoned. I told him that I didn't know, but I was going to hang on for dear life for the ride. Both of us are confused because we thought we were just going to be friends, but it FEELS like more than that. I think he's as blown away by this (whatever this is) as I am. What we have shared makes me feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff right now ... just a short step from falling.

He went to a party tonight and just called me a few minutes ago to let me know he was thinking of me. Wow! "P" is totally blowing me (and those "walls" I have been rebuilding) away. I'm sitting here right now wondering if I'm dreaming, if this can be real.

My girlfriend says he looks like a Texan, from his photo. I told her he's got a Texas attitude, because "P" has an innate honesty and forthrightness about him that is rare.

I'm meeting him for the first time tomorrow. I don't understand why I'm NOT nervous. I was so nervous when I first met my former boyfriend (and I had known him for almost 3 years before our first face to face meeting), but there are no jitters there at all, only a quiet excitement.

So tonight, I sit here shaking my head and wondering. Can this be real? How can this be happening to me so quickly? What the hell is happening to me? No, I am not saying that I'm in love, but I think that I'm only a step away from falling in love all over again. Could it be that my heart was lost and alone for so long, that, in its loneliness, it sought out a new heart to ease its pain?

I have no answers and no clue.

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