Sunday, October 7, 2007

Late Night Ramblings

Ok, I'll admit it. It's after 1:00 a.m. and I'm sitting here feeling down and sorry for myself.

I'm also wondering what it is about me that causes the men in my life to fall out of love with me ... abandon me.

My biological father was the first in a long line. He left my mother, brother and I. I'll never find out why. He died at some point. I found out about his death when I was going through chemo 10 years ago.

My friends tell me that I'm a wonderful woman ... sweet, kind, fun, loving, giving. They say I deserve a man who will love me and appreciate me. That's all well and good for my friends to say. It seems that the men that I love, don't feel the same way ... witness the disappearance of my former boyfriend.

What is it about me that causes the men in my life to abandon me? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? I try to figure it out, but it is beyond my grasp.

I'm now questioning the past 4 years. Did he ever love me? Did he box himself into such a tight corner that he could never find his way out and is that why he quit calling? Was it all a lie or did he love me at some point and then stop? And, if that last premise is true, why did he stop? What did I do wrong?

Now, I wonder if I will ever be able to trust a man with what is left of my heart.

I can feel my walls starting to re-build themselves. They crumbled to the ground when I gave my heart to my former boyfriend. Each day I can feel the walls growing higher and higher. At the rate the reconstruction is going, it will take a mountain climber to ever scale the walls to find the bruised and battered heart hidden behind the wall.

I used to be such a trusting soul, but that is gone. I have somehow lost my ability to trust ... in myself and others. Like a wild animal, I am shying from close human contact. I wonder if I will ever heal and regain what I have lost.

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