I hesitated to watch the movie because it dealt with a woman who was unfaithful to her husband. I'm a one-man-woman and don't think anyone should cheat on another person, hence my hesitancy to watch the movie.
I'm glad I overcame my reluctance and watched it. What I saw was a love story that touched my heart and brought back some memories, while giving me pause and making me think.
Of course, when I think, my former boyfriend is never far from my mind. The story reminded me of what I thought was our love story in so many ways.
I think this song from the movie, sums up how I felt about him:
It doesn't matter where you are,
because I can see how you fair you are.
I close my eyes and there you are.
Always ...
When my former boyfriend and I first fell in love, I totally identified with Francesca when she said, "I was acting like another woman, but I was more myself than I was before."
At first, I struggled with a love like I had never felt before. Here I was, an independent woman who had found someone that I needed. I was different, yet I felt like I had become the woman that I was meant to be. It was scary and exhilarating.
When Francesca said, "You never think a love like this will happen to you", her words struck a chord deep inside of me. I never expected to find a love like that. My former boyfriend brought me more joy than I had ever felt before in my life. However, recently,he has brought me a despair that wrenches my heart every day. Just the memories of what I am missing easily bring tears to my eyes ... to use his words, "my eyes leak".
I still struggle with the woman that I have become. I'm different, not like I used to be before I fell in love with him. I'm not sure I know this woman that I am now, but I know she is me and I wouldn't trade who I am now for anything.
Yet another line from the movie, "We are the choices we have made", made me realize I would not have made a different choice for the same reason ... the joy he brought into my life and the chance to know that kind of love. Never before had I ever felt such a wonderful sensation as I felt when I came home in the circle of his arms. In his arms, I thought that I was in the one place in this world that I was meant to be. That sensation, and the joy and laughter he brought into my life, were the most precious gifts that I had ever received. I still would not trade those gifts for anything, despite the pain that followed.
These days, I totally understand how Kincaid felt when he said that he embraced "the mystery of being alone." I'm so cut off from everyone, yet I have friends ... I go out with them and talk to them on the phone on a regular basis ... but none of them are as close to me as he was.
He and I could share anything and everything and nothing. Before he and I met, I didn't know there was anyone out there with whom I could talk for hours at a time and never tire of talking about whatever crossed our minds. I'm more of a listener than a talker, yet he drew out of me words that usually just ramble around in my mind with no outlet. He and I fed each other a creativity of thought that is outside of anything I had ever experienced before. Just remembering where some of our conversations led still causes me to smile or laugh out loud.
Which makes Kincaid's words, "Don't throw us away," all the more poignant. Those same words have been spoken in my mind and heart many times over the past months. The words once again echo in my mind.
I wonder how he could throw something so precious as my love away. I also wonder what kept him from me ... fear ... a feeling that he doesn't deserve my love ... or is it something else? That's a question that only he can answer, while I spend my time learning the "mystery of being alone" without him and continue to "close my eyes and there you are ... always".
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