It's been a hard weekend.

I have shed a river of tears in the past few days. It's been 24 days now since I last talked to my former boyfriend. I've been listening to so much of the music that he and I shared and sobbing as each one pushed a dagger further and further into my heart. Even now, tears are right there on the surface of my eyes, waiting to spill over. Perhaps they are trying to wash the pain out of my heart so it can heal.

I struggled last night with what I'm going to do with all the pain inside. Yesterday I decided it was time to just let go.

During the 8 months we were apart, I listened to friends. They were worried about how lonely and sad that I was. One week before he called me again, I let one of my friends convince me to go out on a date. What started as a date turned into making a new friend. I told my date "J" that I was still in love with my former boyfriend and I made a friend that day. He understood how I felt. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, but is trying to move on with his life. He is even out on a date today and I'm cheering him on. He's a really nice guy and I hope he finds a new love to fill his life.

When my former boyfriend called, I told him the truth that I had been out on one date, but it ended with me finding a friend and not a potential "boyfriend".

I did come to one positive decision. My new friend and my old friends continue to worry about me, so I will try to ease their worry. It was their concern that has brought me to the realization that I can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring anymore. It is eating me up inside and making me ill. I have to let go and move on.

I've got to start getting out, even though I hurt so much that pain has become a constant companion. I know it is going to take every ounce of my will-power to do this. Sitting here is only rewarding me with ill health. My insides are eating themselves up and my emotional pain is becoming physical. I can't go on like this. Even now my lunch is eating a hole in my insides and I feel nauseated. So, I'm going to go to the store and maybe, when I get back, I will go outside and watch the critters. I know it's not much, but it is a first step.