"Yes, but ..."

Did you ever think of the one you love and think ... "yes, but". I've been thinking a lot about these two words a lot in the past few days. My thoughts are as divided as advice that I'm getting from multiple friends and some of my online reading. I write this blog to try to clarify some of my own thoughts and make sense of what I'm feeling. I'm trying to figure out what is right for ME, not what everyone else thinks is right for me.

Today, I'm wondering how much my conflicting thoughts have to do with my own doubts about myself and how much it has to do with missing my former boyfriend. We haven't spoken in days, after months with no contact.

It is funny, but all it takes is the sound of his voice and any doubts that have been in my mind fly out the window. Even though we hadn't spoken in months, when he called me the other day, it was like only a matter of hours had passed when we started talking again. Nothing was different, nothing had changed. My heart still leapt for joy at the sound of his voice.

Still, in the past few days, those "yes, buts" have caused me to go in search of the reason for the inner conflict that I’m feeling. I think that I've finally come up with an answer. I guess what it all boils down to is ... am I loved. I spent too much of my young life with that burning question "do they love me". That one question seems to have shaped who I am today. I never knew how my parents felt about me. They just never seemed to really care. I was lucky that I had an aunt and uncle whom I adored and who obviously loved me. They were my role models growing up.

Looking back, I can see that the reason my marriage failed was because I no longer felt loved. No matter what was wrong with the marriage, I kept putting my energy and time into it, because at first I felt loved. All it took for me to know the marriage was over was for my husband to repeatedly show me that he no longer cared ... including not caring if I lived or died. No more love ... no more marriage. I know that sounds a bit simplistic, but I think that was the basic reason for me to "throw in the towel".

Do you find that you can forgive just about anything, if you feel loved? Right now my thoughts are full of "yes, buts" because I doubt my former boyfriend loved me. I do want HIM to be happy, if not with me, with someone else who can love and appreciate him.

Have you ever loved someone so much that their happiness is more important to you than your own? This was actually a first for me. We started out as best friends and I don't ever see a time in my life when, above all, I won't think of him as a friend and his happiness won't matter to me.

So I sit here with my "yes, buts". Did he ever loved me? Which is why I am having these "yes, but" conversations in my mind.