The Stillness ... by Nobody

I wrote this over 4 years ago. Re-reading it tonight, I find that it still has some merit in my life today. Have I come full circle, or have I never left "the stillness"?

Tonight I am still, sitting quietly, listening to the voice inside of me.
Trying to quiet this miasma of confusion and doubt that fills me.
I do not quite feel pain, but instead an ache deep down inside.
There is something at the heart of me needing to be fulfilled.
I know not whether in reaching out I will find a tower of strength,
or will my questing heart encounter nothing but an empty mirage?
Will hopes & dreams whisk through thin air to plummet me to despair
or will they grab something real, solid & strong to carry me through?

I sit still, listening for the inner voice,
waiting for answers that never come.
Trying to catch hold of what is inside,
yet I find only the dreaded silence.

The tolling of the clock foretells my time this night draws to a close
and still the inner voice is silent, mocking me with its absence.
Have I relied on feelings and instincts for so long that logic is gone?
In trusting something so illusive, have I lost the ability to reason?
Or do I know the answer in my heart and, in fear, refuse to face it.
Deep inside I know that the answer is there, nagging at my mind.
I vacillate between heart and head, the two battling for supremacy.
Only one can win, and only time will tell if I will win or I will lose.

Does lighthearted joy sit in wait for me
or will I find the darkness of despair?
And still the quiet battle rages on inside:
Heart vs. mind, happiness vs. desolation.